Before anyone else..

I’m still living in this dream world where one day il live in hope that this has all just been a nightmare and I don’t have to deal with losing you.

I know you’re not mine anymore and you don’t read these anymore. Most days I forget you, most days I’m so happy but it’s tonight. Tonight I’m crashing and I miss you.

I want to tell myself I loved you just cos I was attached but I wasn’t. How can I be so happy in life and yet feel so incomplete?

It doesn’t bother me that you’re moving on or you don’t have feelings.. at the end of the day this is how it was supposed to end. It’s so easy to have feelings for someone else.. I know because it’s happened to me. But I can’t force myself to forget you. I just can’t stop missing you.

Just lying with you for a night is perfect for me. Have stupid jokes, being tangled in your arms and hearing you giggle seeing you smile has become such a fond memory of mine.

I’m glad you’re happy.. I want nothing but good for you. I’m glad things are going well for your family too..

I hope everyone makes this day great for you. I hope you’re treated like a king and you get all the love that I wish I could give you.

Be happy my lovely.. happy birthday ❤️

The words I cannot say.

I know You know what I’m thinking but I can not turn to You.

I can not face You and I can not beg for mercy for the mistakes I’ve made.

I am not worthy of the gift You gave me and I threw it back in Your face. I am not a worthy believer.

I did not deserve all that You gave me and I do not know how to face You again.

I’m scared of the tests You will bestow with me next. I don’t believe I’m capable of putting up with anymore.

I now know the answer to “why me?” I do not blame anybody but myself.

I want to face it before I’m too late but it’s never enough. My heart doesn’t want it, my heart doesn’t want this.

You may watch me break and fall but I will not come return to You.

This dunya was not designed for me. I was not made to cope with this.

Give me the strength to leave this mentality and bring me back to You. Give me hope in my life.

Ya Allah. Save me from leaving You. 

Lost in translation..

We came close.. yet our distances never reduced. Our story remained incomplete…

It’s not necessary for the earth to always meet the sky.. True love does not always reach its destination.

There was light and colours – when you were close to me.

This world was my heaven.

And you wrote something like my name in the sand of time.

If there are only heavens here – why can’t I see you? 

The moon, the sun.. I see everything here. I have been waiting here for you to appear.. why is our story still so incomplete?

He worshipped the ground I walked on.

Every penny he had was to feed me. Every moment he had spare, he protected me.

He prayed for me. He loved me.

He was insanely jealous, he respected me.

It hurt him to leave me. He could never go a day without telling me he loved me.

He left his family for me. He asked about my family eternally although having never met them.

He made me laugh. He never made me feel beneath him.

He made me feel special. He liked holding me.

He dreamed of having a family with me.. he dreamed of running away with me.

His friends treated me like a sister. They cared for me.

He hated arguing with me, he just wanted to be happy.

He loved me.. he really loved me. And I would die for a love like that again.

7 years is too late to apologise… I regret taking it for granted knowing that no person could love anyone like that. I don’t believe I could love anyone the way he loved me.

Love the one who loves you. They would do ANYTHING for you. 

Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

Half my Deen.

“I want to complete half my Deen.”

Half your Deen isn’t a signature on a piece of a paper.

It’s love. Respect. Sacrifice. Compassion. Motivation. Happiness. Growth. Charity. Support. Protection. Priorities. Challenges. Patience. Encouragement. Responsibilities. 

It’s a relationship created for the sake of our happiness and yet we fail to accept the beauty of how this amazing conjoinment can change our lives.

SubhanAllah open your eyes to this beautiful institution ❤

Centre of my life..

Creating this blog was a way of running away from what’s really going. I believe that if I tell myself I’m happy and I’m moving on.. maybe eventually I will..

I feel like I’m lying to myself and not allowing myself to fully come to terms with my situation. To accept what’s going on.. accept that it’s fine not to be happy. It’s perfectly normal.

But I do understand the situation. I understand that it’s not about a man not loving his wife.. or a woman disrespecting her husband. It’s about two people who just couldn’t make it work. 

I really do believe that I placed way too much importance on my marriage. So much importance that I may have forgotten the real reason I wanted to get married.. to further my faith.

But I’ve learnt a lot.. I’ve learnt that I really do need to love myself. Be independent and be happy in myself and not place it in anyone else. Suffering from anxiety whilst being married, I now no longer worry. I don’t worry.. because I don’t care..

What is meant for me, will not miss me. And I know my Lord has something planned that I cannot even begin to imagine inshAllah! 

My baby was a phase of my life that I really miss but I’m glad it’s over.. I hope he is as content with his decision as I am with mine.

May Allah make it easy for the both of us. 

I love me…?

I never really thought I struggled with self-love. I just thought it was natural. Loving yourself is a necessary part of living. How can you live with someone you hate?

Until I spoke to someone who I believe changed me in a way, that I really needed to change. I knew him for about two weeks when I realised he was reading me better than I’d ever known myself. 

I was telling this particular individual a story. It was nothing interesting. Something that happened in my teen years. A long time ago.. and as I finished the story, I ended it with “you probably don’t care so sorry for wasting your time haha..” and tried to laugh it off.

I genuinely saw pity in this persons eyes. I don’t know what would’ve been more pathetic. The fact that he couldn’t care less about my story.. or the fact that he realised how low I think of myself.

He told me that I shouldn’t place my worth in the way people react to me. Just because someone’s not giving me attention doesn’t mean I’m not important to them.. don’t try and laugh as a cover because of your insecurities. Be confident and believe in yourself. Tell yourself your story is funny, it’s worth telling people. The person listening does care and I am IMPORTANT.

And I realised it was all because of you. Everytime I’ve messaged you or emailed you, I’ve known you won’t respond because I’m not important enough. And I’ve placed my self worth in that. I’m not important to you, you don’t care about me and therefore I don’t deserve to live. Everytime I’ve poured my heart out to you, begged you to love me, you’ve always made me feel like I’m not good enough. 

And I am good enough.. in fact, I’m better than this. I deserve so much more than what you have to offer.. 

You say you’re moving on because you need a lady in your life.. what was I? An inconvenience? A mistake? A burden? Just not good enough?

I just want to forget you and me ever existed. You’ve made me detest my own existence, my whole life. You’ve made me regret every decision I’ve ever made. You’ve made me bitter.

You’ve made me lose my belief in love. 

White flag..

Please..

Stop..

You’ve won. You are the better person. I don’t want to fight this war. I was always wrong, you are always right.

I just want you to stop making me question myself. Stop coming back giving me hope.. stop turning away acting like I’m doing something wrong.

I just want to live my life. I just want to move past this stage of my life.

Be it with you or be it without you. It’s becoming mental torture and making me question everything.

For once I felt like my life was coming back together.. please stop tearing it apart.

I beg for your mercy, Haris. I beg for warmth in your heart, and I beg you to let go of my past.

I am sorry. Please let me live.. please stop lighting my life with hope if you have no intention of loving me.

I beg for your mercy. Please.

I am a freak show.

I am a divorced Muslim girl. I have a label, I am stereotyped, deemed as weak, trash, unwanted. The lower class. The failure. I am a freak show.

I am so open hearted to new people who don’t know my story. Who see my personality, who see my face, who accept me in my present. Who don’t judge me by my past, who don’t label me by my mistakes.

It’s the ones who are supposed to care about me I fear seeing.

I dread having family friends visit. I see them hold back conversations, I see them stare. Some out of pity, some in disgust. Some say a kind word in a low voice, others don’t acknowledge me. I don’t know what’s worse..

As days go by the reality of what’s happened and what is to come, is going to ruin me. I was unwanted for my mistakes which has given me a label. My society will not accept me, my family will not see me past the divorcee label. I don’t have a home where I can be me..

I have so much to prove.. I have so much to put out there before people will forget I’m divorced.

It’s just a label.. it doesn’t define me..