Part 1.

“I like cake.”

Great. Who’s this guy?

“Do you like cake?”

I like peace.

I smile.

“Sure. I need to be somewhere. Thanks for the tea.”

I stand up to leave. Turn my back on him.

“I don’t mean to sound creepy…”

You sound creepy. Please stop talking.

I stop and turn towards him.

I smile politely.

Can he tell how frustrated I am right now with the conversation?

“I think I know you.”

I sigh.

Realise it’s just another cheesy chat up line and walk to leave.

“Wait.. you live on the estate.”

I stop.

This is creepy. I was nowhere near home. How does he know that?

I turn around and this time take a proper look at him.

He was dressed to the toe wearing Nike. Full on sports clothing, and yet he was a waiter at the cafe. Were they allowed to do that?

“Okay… and how do you know that?”

He pulls off his hat.

The recognition hits.

“You’re..”

He grins.

“You recognise me.”

I let out a huge breath.

“You’re hard to forget.”

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Speak no lies.

“If I told you I had feelings for you, what would you do?”

I scratch the table nervously. Tell you I had feelings for you too?

“Id laugh in your face.”

Your face drops, you pull your sleeves over your hands.. you laugh nervously. You look at your hands. I look at the table.

“Okay.”

Okay? Okay what? Do you have feelings or not?

I look at your face. You look at the fields. I take a big sigh. Your attention turns towards me.

I burst.

“It’s clear you’re playing games. It’s obvious you don’t have feelings.”

Your eyebrows raise. You don’t say a word.

“You’re fake. Nothing but a liar. Looking for a way to make me attached to you.”

Your jaw tightens. Your body tenses.

“You’re not even gonna deny it? I knew it.”

“No im not going to deny it.”

“I guess that’s it then – let’s go home.”

Fight for me. Ask me to stay. Tell me I’m being stupid.

“I’m done here – let’s go.”

You walk away. You lean against your car and start playing with your phone. You don’t look up.

I walk towards mine. You don’t say a word.

“You’re an absolute asshole.”

You acknowledge my words. You unlock the door. And drive away.

I stand there speechless. It’s getting dark. The air is getting cold. I unlock my car and sit alone.

Five minutes pass – I call you.

“What do you want?”

Your voice is cold.

“Let’s not leave it like this.”

I speak softly. My words calm.

“I can’t stand your insults.”

“Come back – let’s talk.”

“Okay.”

I wait for the murmur of your car and see the raindrops fall softly on my windows. 

I shake nervously.

Could this be it.

Your car pulls up. You open the door. And you wait for me to come to you.

I take a deep breath.

“Tell me what you want from me?”

Your anger is burning. I see fury in your eyes. I see your body tense.

“How much do you think a man can take? I’ve had enough. Enough of the pain, enough of the hurt, enough of being told I’m fake. I don’t want this. I don’t want you. I’ve had enough of giving too much of a shit about you. I’m done. I hate you. I don’t give a shit about you. I never want to see you again.”

My knees go weak. My body starts to shake.

“Say something!”

My voice breaks.

“Okay.”

The words come out, but they’re lost in translation. The tears follow, my legs buckle. I lean against my car and put my head in my hands.

I feel your arms around me and you pull me close.

You bury your head in my shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

You’re mumbling.. I let you speak.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m so hurt right now, I can’t even tell you. My heart physically aches when you do this to me. How pathetic is that? My heart is aching and all I wanna do is scream at you. I’m sorry for the things I said.. I’m angry. I still am. You just don’t get it.”

I hold you tight. Not wanting to let go. Wanting to stay safe here.. 

your body relaxes… I feel myself relax too. I start laughing.. you start laughing too.

“This is pathetic.” I whisper through tears.

“I know – we really are.”

I pull away. Aware of my make up running and your white t shirt.

You pull me towards you.

“Stay.”

“I don’t want to get make up on your shirt.”

“I don’t care. Just as long as it’s not snot.”

I laugh and you laugh too.

We stay a little longer.

“You’re nothing but poison for me.”

My heart hurts by your words but you’re right.. you will do nothing but hurt me..

I hold your head in my hands and look direct in your face.

“I have feelings for you too.”

You close your eyes. Lean yourself into my hands.

“We can’t do this.”

“I know.”

You pull away from me and hold my hands while looking me direct in the eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

With nothing more than a sigh and a squeeze of the hands, you walked to the car and sat there with your head in your hands.

I walked to mine and we sat in silence.

We knew we would never see each other again.

Plea

Degraded to a level that I don’t love myself. I don’t love anything about myself..

Pathetic. Loser. Weak. Weirdo. Psycho. Disgrace. Joke. Failure. Selfish. Shallow. Stupid. Irresponsible. Immature. Boring.

My nights have become complete terrors now. I can’t hold back the tears.

This is no longer a question of my divorce, and how my husband didn’t want me.

I have a battle with myself everyday. I don’t even know where to start. 

I can’t talk to people, I can’t look them in the face. I want to smile at people, make someone’s day, meet new people – but all I can do is look away and keep to myself.

I wanna see the world and become something – but all I can do is cry myself to sleep.

I’m losing my will here.. I don’t know how to be a good person, a successful person, a happy person.

I don’t know how not to feel so alone. I don’t know how to make people like me. I don’t know how to like myself.

This is getting hard. Life is getting way too hard.

People joke and question – why don’t you just kill yourself?

Because I wouldn’t even be able to do that.. I’m a failure in life, failure in love, failure as a person..

I don’t know how to fix myself.. 

help..

3 days down..

.. and the battle begins..

Where my heart is telling me to move on, my mind is reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made in the past.

The final night.. the night where I want to change everything. From the beginning to the end.. it didn’t even start with that night.. it was that whole weekend.. how much do you remember?

Thursday night.. you told me it was over. And that you were waiting for me to leave cos you wanted nothing to do with me.. I told you I was sorry, I begged you to forgive me.. you said it was finished. You didn’t come to bed that night.. 

I sat by your side while you lay on the sofa. And I begged you to come back to bed.. I told you I wouldn’t touch you, I wouldn’t come near you and I wouldn’t say a word to you. I accepted it was over, but I begged you to come back to bed.. and you did.

And that night I watched you sleep. You always slept so well even after the worst of arguments, and I didn’t know what to do.. I didn’t know how to make things better for us.

So I took my pillow and I eventually fell asleep on the sofa..

I woke up a few hours later because I couldn’t breathe. Every time I tried to breathe my chest would tighten and I had sharp pains in my chest.. I won’t forget it because I actually felt my heart paining so bad at this point. I sat up.. tried to relax and counted my pulse. It was fast and I started to panic and at this point, I thought I was gonna pass out.

I managed to crawl to the bathroom so I could wash my face and that’s when I started to be sick. I couldn’t control it.. I tried screaming your name and it wouldn’t happen, I was panicking cos I really thought I was gonna pass out or something bad was gonna happen. I started to phone you, because I didn’t want to be on my own..

Eventually you came and I hated myself for waking you up. And that made me feel worse. It started to pain me inside because I didn’t want to inconvenience you and in that moment I just didn’t want you there, I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling and I just wanted everything to be normal.. but it was too late. You were there.. and you made things worse.

You told me to hurry up and get ready to go hospital and at this point I couldn’t stop crying. Because I couldn’t hurry up. I had no idea what was going on.. in my head I’m panicking because something’s happening to me that I had no control over and on the other side I was inconveniencing someone who didn’t even want me with something he didn’t need in his life.

The whole journey I wanted you to drop me and turn around and go home. I didn’t want you there, you were making me so uncomfortable.. you eventually went out for a coffee and at this point I felt my head go faint..

I remember having the worst moment of my life in the hospital toilets.. I couldn’t stop being sick, I couldn’t stop the pain and at the same time, I had my head on the toilet seat because I couldn’t control myself. And you weren’t there.. and in that moment I felt so lonely and I just wanted to go home..

Eventually you came back, we saw the doctor and everything was fine.

We went home and you held me to sleep. And for the few hours we had.. we both slept..

But the next few days.. you just didn’t want me.. I tell myself the last day I could’ve done things differently.. but I couldn’t.. I really couldn’t..

You woke up and you started working.. I came and asked if you minded to get something from the shop.. you said not now you were busy and you’d go later. I said I’d come with you.. you said no.. you’d go alone later.

When you said you were busy, you got a call from your friend and spoke for however long you spoke for.. and once you finished I came to you again.. I gave you a hug. And you pushed me away and said you were busy..

At this point you got up and said you needed space you were going out to get what I asked for..

This is when I lost it.. this is where we both lost it..

I could’ve been better.. and so could you. But changing that final day means nothing.. everything built up to it.. I wasn’t happy with you and you didn’t want me there..

And for the first time today.. I am mourning my marriage with you. I’ve tried so hard these past few months to just let the feelings dissolve and for one day it would just disappear.. but today I can’t hold back.

It hurts so bad today. I don’t even know why.. like so bad I feel like it just happened five minutes ago. 

I want so much of this situation to be different. I don’t want you to go out of my life.. I miss your face, your stupid jokes, your goofy laugh I miss everything.

I just don’t miss our life together.. I don’t miss our marriage but I really miss you.

And tonight it really hurts. Tonight the pain has really caught up with me..

And I don’t think I can do this.. I tell myself I can move on everyday but my mind and my heart just keep running back to you.

I dont want this bro.. I wish I never met you.. 

I walk a lonely path

I leave a mark on every heart I pass.

And yet here I am.. alone..

Be they be happy, be they sad. Be they good, be they bad.

I’ve been a shoulder to those who have no one to wipe their tears.

I’ve held people long enough to know they need to be loved.

I’ve laughed with those who have forgotten how to smile.

And I’ve awoken a love in those who have lost their faith in life.

And yet here I am… alone..

How many times can I start again?

Hurt or attached? I couldn’t really say..

Am I consistently running after people because I miss them or is there a sense of desperation and need, the fear of being lonely?

I’ve held back to say a lot on this blog post because I know how stupid it would make me sound – especially if he ever came to read it. And now I just couldn’t care less…

I have a fear of change… of moving on.. like something terrifying is in the future for me. I want to go back to what I’m used to, because at least I know what to expect..

Why am I running away from something so fresh and exciting… why am I letting the distance bother me, when I know I will see him every few months anyway?

I have alot to prove.. not for anybody else. But for myself – I need to prove to myself that I’m not trying to hurt myself or fill an empty hole. I’m trying to move on and do what’s best for me.. and I don’t have to do that by jumping in something serious so quick.. 

Baby steps.. how far will I go before the fall terrifies me?

Why did I start writing again?

I dreamt of you last night.

Actually…

I dreamt of both of you.

I don’t  want you to think I’m playing games – it’s the last thing I want to do. I just feel really confused right now.

The whole time I was with you and getting over, I was living in this bubble where I believed I was never gonna get over you, never find someone like you, never stop feeling for you.

Until I met him. And now I do feel like I’ve found someone great.. you don’t compare to each.. you’re both so different – both so great in your own ways.

And I do feel something. But I can’t say what it is.. I can’t say whether he makes me happy in the moment as my best friend, or whether I really see something in the future with him.

And I need help.. I don’t know how to cope with the situation.

He’s been through the same thing.. he’s hurting too, He doesn’t trust easy, the same old crap..

But that’s not the hardest part…

We both have our reasons for pushing each other away – both different and valid to their own.

And this is why I’m confused..

Is it okay that I miss you but miss him too? Is it okay that I’m not over you but I’m falling for someone new?