But the way he made me feel is something that is stuck inside me like the blood running through my veins.
The comfort I felt when he held me was like I was home. There was no emptiness inside me, no anxiety of the future, no overthinking in the past. It was him in that moment, the moment I was home.
The kindness of him kissing my forehead. To tell me he needed nothing in return, nothing but a simple sign of affection. Which was enough. It was enough to keep me hooked and engulfed in his smell. The smell of his neck. The fresh smell of his skin.
It was the warmth of his hands enveloping my fingers. Taking in every part of my hand. Blanketing my skin with the feel of his, stroking the base of my wrist with his thumb.
It was his head resting on my chest. Feeling like he belonged to me. The false sense of security, of love. Thinking he was mine.
That’s what runs through my veins like blood. Everyday like a cycle. My heart pumps out for more.. And it can’t let go of the way he made me feel.
Imagine standing on a glass floor.
Underneath the glass floor is a drop of a thousand miles.. And you can’t see where it ends.
You avoid the floor. You’re always cautious when you walk over it and you live in constant fear that one day it’s going to break and you will fall.. You will fall and you don’t know how the fall will end.
One day the glass starts to crack and you realise the end is near. The glass floor won’t last.. Your fall is inevitable. You have to let go.
But you refuse. You grab hold of the walls, hurting yourself in the process. You’re screaming, you become weak. But you don’t won’t to let go.
The walls begin to crumble and your fingers can’t hold on any longer. You realise, the inevitable is here.
You let go.
You let yourself.
This thousand mile drop.
Hurting yourself along the way. It’s painful, it’s killing you.
But you’re facing it. You’re not living in fear anymore. You’re taking the pain as it comes. You know eventually the pain will finish.
And then the drop ends.. And you realise.. It’s not a painful end. It doesn’t end in death.. You’re in a room.. The floor is made out of cushions. You’ve landed softly.
The pain is still in you. You are still hurting from the fall.
But you no longer live in fear that the glass will break.
Face life’s difficulties.
With every difficulty comes ease inshAllah!