Goodbye to the past..

Dear Love,
As the New Year approaches, I accept that il never meet you again. Il never hold you, il never share a joke with you and we’ll never be together in love again. 

I won’t lay with you or hear you snore, I won’t run to you when you walk through the door.

I won’t tease your breathing, I won’t watch you while you change.

I wont miss your smile and I won’t think of your eyes.

I won’t hold your hand while you drive, I won’t let you stroke my belly.

I won’t tell my baby he’s pretty, I won’t kiss his cheeks.

I won’t rejoice with your wins, I won’t weep for your loss.

I won’t humble your arrogance, I won’t strengthen your weakness.

I won’t encourage your positives, I won’t dismiss your negatives.
But know that I loved you. And I loved you wholly. But to tell you I loved you directly is accepting that I have lost the battle. I never wanted to lose you, not in a million years. 

I loved every part of you. But I cannot mourn that which does not belong to me. And you are not mine to mourn.
Our chapter is over, but you have made the past year a very important time of my life. And il never forget you.. no matter what happens or how our days will end, I won’t forget you. I won’t forget our memories, the good the bad, the arguments, the joys, the sadness.. I won’t forget any of it.
I won’t let myself break in your absence.. I won’t let myself run because I was denied a love I couldn’t live without.
Il never tell you I love you again. I’m never going to hear you say you love me.. I will never speak of you again.
Happy New Year – may new beginnings come to light ❤️


Perfectly imperfect..

There’s no shame in feeling beautiful in yourself without being vain.

There’s no shame in leaving the house with a naked face and feeling happy.

Theres no shame in holding the one you love a little bit too long.

There’s no shame in begging for forgiveness to the people you have wronged.

There’s no shame in lying alone in your room with mascara running down your face when things get too much.

There’s no shame in screaming at the top of your lungs when the pain inside you is physically too much.

There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t cope alone, that you can’t physically bear the pain. There’s no shame in asking for help.

There’s no shame in being weak. There’s no shame in being broken.


Real love.

How do you know when love is real? How do you know when what you’re feeling isn’t just another fling, it’s not a crush, it’s not an obsession, it’s not lust?

You just know.

For a long time I really believed that love didn’t exist. I’ve seen so many people love and get hurt and spend their nights crying and their days plotting on revenge..

And that’s exactly how I spent my first few months after I left him too..

but something changed.. I don’t know when and I don’t know how.

everyones always said to me that I place my worth in other people. If I don’t find it in one, il look for someone else and place it in them.. I did this too. And it worked. All for about two minutes.

it was probably in late September that it hit me.. six months after I left him. I didn’t love him cos he gave me a sense of loving, I just loved him because of him. And even though he didn’t appreciate me in that moment.. I wasn’t going to place my self worth in someone else’s hands and expect them to love me instead. And live happily ever after.

they tell me he’s moving on, he’s looking for someone else. Alhamdulilah good for him.. I’m glad he’s moving on. They ask me why I’m waiting for him and I tell them honestly that I’m not.

It hurts me that my future with him is over but what can I do.. it doesn’t hurt me that he’s moving on. Just because he’s ready to move on doesn’t mean I am.

Il watch him move on, I’m happy he has a future with someone else. But I don’t want to.. I’m not going to hurt someone else by being either being a bad wife or not being able to love them the way I love him. I know what I’m doing and it’s not a decision I’ve made in vain.. it’s been hard but I know it’s right for me. I truly believe I loved him as wholly as possible because Allah destined him for me. Just because our story was short, doesn’t mean it wasn’t to be. I just believe that I’m not meant for anyone else. And I’m happy to accept that.

thats how I know il never love another man like him and he will always be my first. The only man who I would happily lose just so I could see him smile again.. even if that meant watching him give someone else everything I ever asked for.

Love isn’t destructive and love sure as hell doesn’t hurt. It struggles but it always puts the other person first. And to do that without hurting is so incredibly mind blowing – that you can only call it love.