I love me…?

I never really thought I struggled with self-love. I just thought it was natural. Loving yourself is a necessary part of living. How can you live with someone you hate?

Until I spoke to someone who I believe changed me in a way, that I really needed to change. I knew him for about two weeks when I realised he was reading me better than I’d ever known myself. 

I was telling this particular individual a story. It was nothing interesting. Something that happened in my teen years. A long time ago.. and as I finished the story, I ended it with “you probably don’t care so sorry for wasting your time haha..” and tried to laugh it off.

I genuinely saw pity in this persons eyes. I don’t know what would’ve been more pathetic. The fact that he couldn’t care less about my story.. or the fact that he realised how low I think of myself.

He told me that I shouldn’t place my worth in the way people react to me. Just because someone’s not giving me attention doesn’t mean I’m not important to them.. don’t try and laugh as a cover because of your insecurities. Be confident and believe in yourself. Tell yourself your story is funny, it’s worth telling people. The person listening does care and I am IMPORTANT.

And I realised it was all because of you. Everytime I’ve messaged you or emailed you, I’ve known you won’t respond because I’m not important enough. And I’ve placed my self worth in that. I’m not important to you, you don’t care about me and therefore I don’t deserve to live. Everytime I’ve poured my heart out to you, begged you to love me, you’ve always made me feel like I’m not good enough. 

And I am good enough.. in fact, I’m better than this. I deserve so much more than what you have to offer.. 

You say you’re moving on because you need a lady in your life.. what was I? An inconvenience? A mistake? A burden? Just not good enough?

I just want to forget you and me ever existed. You’ve made me detest my own existence, my whole life. You’ve made me regret every decision I’ve ever made. You’ve made me bitter.

You’ve made me lose my belief in love. 

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White flag..

Please..

Stop..

You’ve won. You are the better person. I don’t want to fight this war. I was always wrong, you are always right.

I just want you to stop making me question myself. Stop coming back giving me hope.. stop turning away acting like I’m doing something wrong.

I just want to live my life. I just want to move past this stage of my life.

Be it with you or be it without you. It’s becoming mental torture and making me question everything.

For once I felt like my life was coming back together.. please stop tearing it apart.

I beg for your mercy, Haris. I beg for warmth in your heart, and I beg you to let go of my past.

I am sorry. Please let me live.. please stop lighting my life with hope if you have no intention of loving me.

I beg for your mercy. Please.

I am a freak show.

I am a divorced Muslim girl. I have a label, I am stereotyped, deemed as weak, trash, unwanted. The lower class. The failure. I am a freak show.

I am so open hearted to new people who don’t know my story. Who see my personality, who see my face, who accept me in my present. Who don’t judge me by my past, who don’t label me by my mistakes.

It’s the ones who are supposed to care about me I fear seeing.

I dread having family friends visit. I see them hold back conversations, I see them stare. Some out of pity, some in disgust. Some say a kind word in a low voice, others don’t acknowledge me. I don’t know what’s worse..

As days go by the reality of what’s happened and what is to come, is going to ruin me. I was unwanted for my mistakes which has given me a label. My society will not accept me, my family will not see me past the divorcee label. I don’t have a home where I can be me..

I have so much to prove.. I have so much to put out there before people will forget I’m divorced.

It’s just a label.. it doesn’t define me..