Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

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Half my Deen.

“I want to complete half my Deen.”

Half your Deen isn’t a signature on a piece of a paper.

It’s love. Respect. Sacrifice. Compassion. Motivation. Happiness. Growth. Charity. Support. Protection. Priorities. Challenges. Patience. Encouragement. Responsibilities. 

It’s a relationship created for the sake of our happiness and yet we fail to accept the beauty of how this amazing conjoinment can change our lives.

SubhanAllah open your eyes to this beautiful institution ❤

Centre of my life..

Creating this blog was a way of running away from what’s really going. I believe that if I tell myself I’m happy and I’m moving on.. maybe eventually I will..

I feel like I’m lying to myself and not allowing myself to fully come to terms with my situation. To accept what’s going on.. accept that it’s fine not to be happy. It’s perfectly normal.

But I do understand the situation. I understand that it’s not about a man not loving his wife.. or a woman disrespecting her husband. It’s about two people who just couldn’t make it work. 

I really do believe that I placed way too much importance on my marriage. So much importance that I may have forgotten the real reason I wanted to get married.. to further my faith.

But I’ve learnt a lot.. I’ve learnt that I really do need to love myself. Be independent and be happy in myself and not place it in anyone else. Suffering from anxiety whilst being married, I now no longer worry. I don’t worry.. because I don’t care..

What is meant for me, will not miss me. And I know my Lord has something planned that I cannot even begin to imagine inshAllah! 

My baby was a phase of my life that I really miss but I’m glad it’s over.. I hope he is as content with his decision as I am with mine.

May Allah make it easy for the both of us.