I forgive you…

My closure? Forgiving you for the things you aren’t sorry about.

I forgive you – for making me feel like our relationship failed just because we didn’t have a sexual relationship.

I forgive you – for going back to the girl who instilled the jealousy I had in our relationship, the one you said was interfering right from the beginning.

I forgive you – for laughing at me for being weak and having my own beliefs.

I forgive you – for cutting me out and telling me you didn’t care that I wasn’t a part of your life anymore.

I forgive you – for running to other girls, sleeping with someone else within days of this ended.

I forgive you – for making me believe there was a future when there wasn’t.

I forgive you – for telling me a certain action wasn’t a big deal and I needed to get over it… despite the fact you were my first and it WAS a big a deal for me.

I forgive you – for making me believe in love again.. and breaking me back into a black hole again.

I forgive you for forgetting me and brushing me aside.

Because you’ve shown me how much I really do love myself – and I don’t deserve even an ounce of the hurt you’ve given me.

But most of all – I forgive myself for being naive and falling for the lies…

It can only be up from here ❤️

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I was 12.

Let’s play a game, he says.

You have to hit the football on the wall to win.

The catch is, il be in the middle.

If you miss, you’ll be punished.

Penalties, he says. He winks. He laughs.

I kick the ball lightly. Confused at the rules.

He stops it. He winks.

You’ll be punished, he says. Laughing louder.

This isn’t right, I shout.

It’s not wrong, he whispers.

I close my eyes. I cry, I sob.

My wrists are grasped. My mouth is covered.

I was 12 when I broke, when it all began. I was 12 when I was punished.

I was 4.

From the beginning..

My 4th birthday. My mum let me choose my first barbie doll. She had long dark hair with a white dress. I was super excited. I couldn’t wait to come home and show you.

You were sleeping on the sofa. You were snoring. The TV was on, the curtains were closed. Mum whispered to me to go to my room, don’t disturb dad.

But it’s my birthday. I want to show him my doll.

You wake up, and snatch the doll from my hands. You throw it to the wall.

You stupid child. Get out and take your stupid doll.

I run to the doll, I’m crying. Dad it’s my birthday.

You grab the doll again and snap her in half. I don’t care. Get out.

I’m screaming now and I run. You’re screaming too and I hear you run behind me. Mum stops you. You hit her.

I stop and watch. She grabs me and we both run upstairs. She locks us both in her room.

I was 4.

Plea

Degraded to a level that I don’t love myself. I don’t love anything about myself..

Pathetic. Loser. Weak. Weirdo. Psycho. Disgrace. Joke. Failure. Selfish. Shallow. Stupid. Irresponsible. Immature. Boring.

My nights have become complete terrors now. I can’t hold back the tears.

This is no longer a question of my divorce, and how my husband didn’t want me.

I have a battle with myself everyday. I don’t even know where to start. 

I can’t talk to people, I can’t look them in the face. I want to smile at people, make someone’s day, meet new people – but all I can do is look away and keep to myself.

I wanna see the world and become something – but all I can do is cry myself to sleep.

I’m losing my will here.. I don’t know how to be a good person, a successful person, a happy person.

I don’t know how not to feel so alone. I don’t know how to make people like me. I don’t know how to like myself.

This is getting hard. Life is getting way too hard.

People joke and question – why don’t you just kill yourself?

Because I wouldn’t even be able to do that.. I’m a failure in life, failure in love, failure as a person..

I don’t know how to fix myself.. 

help..

3 days down..

.. and the battle begins..

Where my heart is telling me to move on, my mind is reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made in the past.

The final night.. the night where I want to change everything. From the beginning to the end.. it didn’t even start with that night.. it was that whole weekend.. how much do you remember?

Thursday night.. you told me it was over. And that you were waiting for me to leave cos you wanted nothing to do with me.. I told you I was sorry, I begged you to forgive me.. you said it was finished. You didn’t come to bed that night.. 

I sat by your side while you lay on the sofa. And I begged you to come back to bed.. I told you I wouldn’t touch you, I wouldn’t come near you and I wouldn’t say a word to you. I accepted it was over, but I begged you to come back to bed.. and you did.

And that night I watched you sleep. You always slept so well even after the worst of arguments, and I didn’t know what to do.. I didn’t know how to make things better for us.

So I took my pillow and I eventually fell asleep on the sofa..

I woke up a few hours later because I couldn’t breathe. Every time I tried to breathe my chest would tighten and I had sharp pains in my chest.. I won’t forget it because I actually felt my heart paining so bad at this point. I sat up.. tried to relax and counted my pulse. It was fast and I started to panic and at this point, I thought I was gonna pass out.

I managed to crawl to the bathroom so I could wash my face and that’s when I started to be sick. I couldn’t control it.. I tried screaming your name and it wouldn’t happen, I was panicking cos I really thought I was gonna pass out or something bad was gonna happen. I started to phone you, because I didn’t want to be on my own..

Eventually you came and I hated myself for waking you up. And that made me feel worse. It started to pain me inside because I didn’t want to inconvenience you and in that moment I just didn’t want you there, I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling and I just wanted everything to be normal.. but it was too late. You were there.. and you made things worse.

You told me to hurry up and get ready to go hospital and at this point I couldn’t stop crying. Because I couldn’t hurry up. I had no idea what was going on.. in my head I’m panicking because something’s happening to me that I had no control over and on the other side I was inconveniencing someone who didn’t even want me with something he didn’t need in his life.

The whole journey I wanted you to drop me and turn around and go home. I didn’t want you there, you were making me so uncomfortable.. you eventually went out for a coffee and at this point I felt my head go faint..

I remember having the worst moment of my life in the hospital toilets.. I couldn’t stop being sick, I couldn’t stop the pain and at the same time, I had my head on the toilet seat because I couldn’t control myself. And you weren’t there.. and in that moment I felt so lonely and I just wanted to go home..

Eventually you came back, we saw the doctor and everything was fine.

We went home and you held me to sleep. And for the few hours we had.. we both slept..

But the next few days.. you just didn’t want me.. I tell myself the last day I could’ve done things differently.. but I couldn’t.. I really couldn’t..

You woke up and you started working.. I came and asked if you minded to get something from the shop.. you said not now you were busy and you’d go later. I said I’d come with you.. you said no.. you’d go alone later.

When you said you were busy, you got a call from your friend and spoke for however long you spoke for.. and once you finished I came to you again.. I gave you a hug. And you pushed me away and said you were busy..

At this point you got up and said you needed space you were going out to get what I asked for..

This is when I lost it.. this is where we both lost it..

I could’ve been better.. and so could you. But changing that final day means nothing.. everything built up to it.. I wasn’t happy with you and you didn’t want me there..

And for the first time today.. I am mourning my marriage with you. I’ve tried so hard these past few months to just let the feelings dissolve and for one day it would just disappear.. but today I can’t hold back.

It hurts so bad today. I don’t even know why.. like so bad I feel like it just happened five minutes ago. 

I want so much of this situation to be different. I don’t want you to go out of my life.. I miss your face, your stupid jokes, your goofy laugh I miss everything.

I just don’t miss our life together.. I don’t miss our marriage but I really miss you.

And tonight it really hurts. Tonight the pain has really caught up with me..

And I don’t think I can do this.. I tell myself I can move on everyday but my mind and my heart just keep running back to you.

I dont want this bro.. I wish I never met you.. 

I walk a lonely path

I leave a mark on every heart I pass.

And yet here I am.. alone..

Be they be happy, be they sad. Be they good, be they bad.

I’ve been a shoulder to those who have no one to wipe their tears.

I’ve held people long enough to know they need to be loved.

I’ve laughed with those who have forgotten how to smile.

And I’ve awoken a love in those who have lost their faith in life.

And yet here I am… alone..

Baby steps.. 

There’s something brilliant about this.

Something fabulous about finding happiness in someone you never quite expected to.

There’s something heart warming about someone wanting to turn to you in times of their sadness and their joys.

There’s something heart warming in someone begging you to see them because they know you can make them smile.

There’s something so content in me that feels happy that I’ve found a friend in you.

There’s something so peaceful in knowing that we’ve both been through the exact same thing and want nothing more then just a shoulder to cry on for now.

There’s nothing more amazing then finding a friend in a stranger. There’s nothing more exhilarating than watching your loneliness disappear slowly to dust ❤️

Pain..

I just wish there was a way that I could write everything down and with each word the pain would slowly leave me too..

But it doesn’t… every word digs deeper.

I’ve got so much in me right now, I don’t think no amount of talking, writing, screaming or crying is going to help.

I just want to be done for a while. I want a break from this feeling just for a little while.