Lost in translation..

We came close.. yet our distances never reduced. Our story remained incomplete…

It’s not necessary for the earth to always meet the sky.. True love does not always reach its destination.

There was light and colours – when you were close to me.

This world was my heaven.

And you wrote something like my name in the sand of time.

If there are only heavens here – why can’t I see you? 

The moon, the sun.. I see everything here. I have been waiting here for you to appear.. why is our story still so incomplete?

He worshipped the ground I walked on.

Every penny he had was to feed me. Every moment he had spare, he protected me.

He prayed for me. He loved me.

He was insanely jealous, he respected me.

It hurt him to leave me. He could never go a day without telling me he loved me.

He left his family for me. He asked about my family eternally although having never met them.

He made me laugh. He never made me feel beneath him.

He made me feel special. He liked holding me.

He dreamed of having a family with me.. he dreamed of running away with me.

His friends treated me like a sister. They cared for me.

He hated arguing with me, he just wanted to be happy.

He loved me.. he really loved me. And I would die for a love like that again.

7 years is too late to apologise… I regret taking it for granted knowing that no person could love anyone like that. I don’t believe I could love anyone the way he loved me.

Love the one who loves you. They would do ANYTHING for you. 

Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

I love me…?

I never really thought I struggled with self-love. I just thought it was natural. Loving yourself is a necessary part of living. How can you live with someone you hate?

Until I spoke to someone who I believe changed me in a way, that I really needed to change. I knew him for about two weeks when I realised he was reading me better than I’d ever known myself. 

I was telling this particular individual a story. It was nothing interesting. Something that happened in my teen years. A long time ago.. and as I finished the story, I ended it with “you probably don’t care so sorry for wasting your time haha..” and tried to laugh it off.

I genuinely saw pity in this persons eyes. I don’t know what would’ve been more pathetic. The fact that he couldn’t care less about my story.. or the fact that he realised how low I think of myself.

He told me that I shouldn’t place my worth in the way people react to me. Just because someone’s not giving me attention doesn’t mean I’m not important to them.. don’t try and laugh as a cover because of your insecurities. Be confident and believe in yourself. Tell yourself your story is funny, it’s worth telling people. The person listening does care and I am IMPORTANT.

And I realised it was all because of you. Everytime I’ve messaged you or emailed you, I’ve known you won’t respond because I’m not important enough. And I’ve placed my self worth in that. I’m not important to you, you don’t care about me and therefore I don’t deserve to live. Everytime I’ve poured my heart out to you, begged you to love me, you’ve always made me feel like I’m not good enough. 

And I am good enough.. in fact, I’m better than this. I deserve so much more than what you have to offer.. 

You say you’re moving on because you need a lady in your life.. what was I? An inconvenience? A mistake? A burden? Just not good enough?

I just want to forget you and me ever existed. You’ve made me detest my own existence, my whole life. You’ve made me regret every decision I’ve ever made. You’ve made me bitter.

You’ve made me lose my belief in love. 

I am a freak show.

I am a divorced Muslim girl. I have a label, I am stereotyped, deemed as weak, trash, unwanted. The lower class. The failure. I am a freak show.

I am so open hearted to new people who don’t know my story. Who see my personality, who see my face, who accept me in my present. Who don’t judge me by my past, who don’t label me by my mistakes.

It’s the ones who are supposed to care about me I fear seeing.

I dread having family friends visit. I see them hold back conversations, I see them stare. Some out of pity, some in disgust. Some say a kind word in a low voice, others don’t acknowledge me. I don’t know what’s worse..

As days go by the reality of what’s happened and what is to come, is going to ruin me. I was unwanted for my mistakes which has given me a label. My society will not accept me, my family will not see me past the divorcee label. I don’t have a home where I can be me..

I have so much to prove.. I have so much to put out there before people will forget I’m divorced.

It’s just a label.. it doesn’t define me.. 

Goodbye to the past..

Dear Love,
As the New Year approaches, I accept that il never meet you again. Il never hold you, il never share a joke with you and we’ll never be together in love again. 

I won’t lay with you or hear you snore, I won’t run to you when you walk through the door.

I won’t tease your breathing, I won’t watch you while you change.

I wont miss your smile and I won’t think of your eyes.

I won’t hold your hand while you drive, I won’t let you stroke my belly.

I won’t tell my baby he’s pretty, I won’t kiss his cheeks.

I won’t rejoice with your wins, I won’t weep for your loss.

I won’t humble your arrogance, I won’t strengthen your weakness.

I won’t encourage your positives, I won’t dismiss your negatives.
But know that I loved you. And I loved you wholly. But to tell you I loved you directly is accepting that I have lost the battle. I never wanted to lose you, not in a million years. 

I loved every part of you. But I cannot mourn that which does not belong to me. And you are not mine to mourn.
Our chapter is over, but you have made the past year a very important time of my life. And il never forget you.. no matter what happens or how our days will end, I won’t forget you. I won’t forget our memories, the good the bad, the arguments, the joys, the sadness.. I won’t forget any of it.
I won’t let myself break in your absence.. I won’t let myself run because I was denied a love I couldn’t live without.
Il never tell you I love you again. I’m never going to hear you say you love me.. I will never speak of you again.
Happy New Year – may new beginnings come to light ❤️

Perfectly imperfect..

There’s no shame in feeling beautiful in yourself without being vain.

There’s no shame in leaving the house with a naked face and feeling happy.

Theres no shame in holding the one you love a little bit too long.

There’s no shame in begging for forgiveness to the people you have wronged.

There’s no shame in lying alone in your room with mascara running down your face when things get too much.

There’s no shame in screaming at the top of your lungs when the pain inside you is physically too much.

There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t cope alone, that you can’t physically bear the pain. There’s no shame in asking for help.

There’s no shame in being weak. There’s no shame in being broken.

❤️

What killed the frog?

Put a frog into a pan and start boiling the water.

As the temperature of the water begins to rise, the frog adjusts it’s body temperature accordingly.

The frog keeps adjusting its body temperature with the increasing temperature of the water. Just when the water has reached boiling point, the frog cannot take anymore and decides to jump out.

The frog tries to jump out but is unable to do so because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature.

Very soon the frog dies.

What killed the frog?

Think about it.. I know many of us will say the boiling water. But the truth about what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when to jump.

We all need to adjust with people and situations. But we need to be sure when it’s necessary to adjust or whether it’s necessary to move on. There are times when we need to face the situation and take appropriate actions.

If we allow people to exploit us physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally they will continue to do so.

Let us decide when to jump. Let’s jump while we still have the strength!