Pain..

I just wish there was a way that I could write everything down and with each word the pain would slowly leave me too..

But it doesn’t… every word digs deeper.

I’ve got so much in me right now, I don’t think no amount of talking, writing, screaming or crying is going to help.

I just want to be done for a while. I want a break from this feeling just for a little while. 

All I want to do tonight is curl up into a tiny little ball and scream. Scream, cry and shout because I want the pain to go away.

I want to blame someone, something, a situation, an occurrence, something – anything. 

But there’s nothing. I literally just feel pain because of nothing.

There’s just something inside of me that’s eating me alive and begging for freedom and I can’t let it go. I don’t how to free myself from this nightmare and just feel happy again.

I want to be great. I want to be myself. I want love to stop hurting. I want to stop putting myself in situations where I know I can’t cope.

I want to kiss you again. Hug you again. Spend the night with you again. Laugh, cuddle and just lay with you just once.

Just one last time. I need you just for one last night.

This shit is killing me. 

I don’t know why I keep telling myself it’s okay to fall for someone new. And this time I really have.. and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to trust him, how to let him in, be loyal and caring towards him.

I’ve damaged my own mind and I’m damaging the people around me.

I need help. I need help please.

I’m so confused… 

For months I’ve been waiting for closure.. just something, anything to make it easier to move on.

And all this time I realised it’s not you I need closure from. It’s myself.

My heart hurts because I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m a bad person. I’m panicking because I don’t think anyone will ever love me. I feel nervous around people because I know they will leave me one day.

I’m scared to fall again, because I don’t think il be able to pull myself back up.

I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to love myself when it just hurts. I don’t know how to keep anyone in my life anymore.

Home..

A house has four walls.

A home has connected hearts.

Home is where the heart is, and here I found my home with you.

I found my home in your warmth and in your care. Your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I found my home in your sympathy, your humility, your selflessness.

I found my home in your frustration, your pain, your anger.

I found my home in your smile, your frown, your tears,

I’ve lived a lonely life, with a hole in my heart until I met you. 

I found my home in you. 

I feel like I’m consistently having to explain myself to you.

When you tell me that you know full well I was pushed to leave that day – I thought wow. He finally understands..

He finally understands HE pushed me to leave. He finally understands that you can’t tell a woman you don’t love her continuously, that you don’t wanna be with her, that you want her gone and expect her to sit tight and wait for you to calm down.

I left you because you didn’t want me. If you find it easier to blame me, or blame other people then that’s fine. But it’s not the truth. Don’t trust what other people tell you – when I’m here telling you exactly how I feel. 

I am not angry, I am not bitter, I blame no one.

I’m hurt, tired, and I admit defeat.

I don’t want no negativity, no hate, no blame.

I really thought I could bring the life out of you, not in general but for myself. See the personality I once fell for. Just to be satisfied that this situation didn’t break you, it didn’t change you.

You chose to move on first.. you chose to let me go first.

You should be happy. 

But now… you just bring me down. About how bad things ended, about how it could’ve been better.

And you’re doing it to yourself…

It didn’t have to be like this… you’re gonna cause so much bitterness and negativity around you.

But in regards to contacting you – that was a super bad mistake. I should never have done it.

You haven’t changed…

Lost in translation..

We came close.. yet our distances never reduced. Our story remained incomplete…

It’s not necessary for the earth to always meet the sky.. True love does not always reach its destination.

There was light and colours – when you were close to me.

This world was my heaven.

And you wrote something like my name in the sand of time.

If there are only heavens here – why can’t I see you? 

The moon, the sun.. I see everything here. I have been waiting here for you to appear.. why is our story still so incomplete?

Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

I love me…?

I never really thought I struggled with self-love. I just thought it was natural. Loving yourself is a necessary part of living. How can you live with someone you hate?

Until I spoke to someone who I believe changed me in a way, that I really needed to change. I knew him for about two weeks when I realised he was reading me better than I’d ever known myself. 

I was telling this particular individual a story. It was nothing interesting. Something that happened in my teen years. A long time ago.. and as I finished the story, I ended it with “you probably don’t care so sorry for wasting your time haha..” and tried to laugh it off.

I genuinely saw pity in this persons eyes. I don’t know what would’ve been more pathetic. The fact that he couldn’t care less about my story.. or the fact that he realised how low I think of myself.

He told me that I shouldn’t place my worth in the way people react to me. Just because someone’s not giving me attention doesn’t mean I’m not important to them.. don’t try and laugh as a cover because of your insecurities. Be confident and believe in yourself. Tell yourself your story is funny, it’s worth telling people. The person listening does care and I am IMPORTANT.

And I realised it was all because of you. Everytime I’ve messaged you or emailed you, I’ve known you won’t respond because I’m not important enough. And I’ve placed my self worth in that. I’m not important to you, you don’t care about me and therefore I don’t deserve to live. Everytime I’ve poured my heart out to you, begged you to love me, you’ve always made me feel like I’m not good enough. 

And I am good enough.. in fact, I’m better than this. I deserve so much more than what you have to offer.. 

You say you’re moving on because you need a lady in your life.. what was I? An inconvenience? A mistake? A burden? Just not good enough?

I just want to forget you and me ever existed. You’ve made me detest my own existence, my whole life. You’ve made me regret every decision I’ve ever made. You’ve made me bitter.

You’ve made me lose my belief in love. 

I am a freak show.

I am a divorced Muslim girl. I have a label, I am stereotyped, deemed as weak, trash, unwanted. The lower class. The failure. I am a freak show.

I am so open hearted to new people who don’t know my story. Who see my personality, who see my face, who accept me in my present. Who don’t judge me by my past, who don’t label me by my mistakes.

It’s the ones who are supposed to care about me I fear seeing.

I dread having family friends visit. I see them hold back conversations, I see them stare. Some out of pity, some in disgust. Some say a kind word in a low voice, others don’t acknowledge me. I don’t know what’s worse..

As days go by the reality of what’s happened and what is to come, is going to ruin me. I was unwanted for my mistakes which has given me a label. My society will not accept me, my family will not see me past the divorcee label. I don’t have a home where I can be me..

I have so much to prove.. I have so much to put out there before people will forget I’m divorced.

It’s just a label.. it doesn’t define me.. 

Goodbye to the past..

Dear Love,
As the New Year approaches, I accept that il never meet you again. Il never hold you, il never share a joke with you and we’ll never be together in love again. 

I won’t lay with you or hear you snore, I won’t run to you when you walk through the door.

I won’t tease your breathing, I won’t watch you while you change.

I wont miss your smile and I won’t think of your eyes.

I won’t hold your hand while you drive, I won’t let you stroke my belly.

I won’t tell my baby he’s pretty, I won’t kiss his cheeks.

I won’t rejoice with your wins, I won’t weep for your loss.

I won’t humble your arrogance, I won’t strengthen your weakness.

I won’t encourage your positives, I won’t dismiss your negatives.
But know that I loved you. And I loved you wholly. But to tell you I loved you directly is accepting that I have lost the battle. I never wanted to lose you, not in a million years. 

I loved every part of you. But I cannot mourn that which does not belong to me. And you are not mine to mourn.
Our chapter is over, but you have made the past year a very important time of my life. And il never forget you.. no matter what happens or how our days will end, I won’t forget you. I won’t forget our memories, the good the bad, the arguments, the joys, the sadness.. I won’t forget any of it.
I won’t let myself break in your absence.. I won’t let myself run because I was denied a love I couldn’t live without.
Il never tell you I love you again. I’m never going to hear you say you love me.. I will never speak of you again.
Happy New Year – may new beginnings come to light ❤️