The words I cannot say.

I know You know what I’m thinking but I can not turn to You.

I can not face You and I can not beg for mercy for the mistakes I’ve made.

I am not worthy of the gift You gave me and I threw it back in Your face. I am not a worthy believer.

I did not deserve all that You gave me and I do not know how to face You again.

I’m scared of the tests You will bestow with me next. I don’t believe I’m capable of putting up with anymore.

I now know the answer to “why me?” I do not blame anybody but myself.

I want to face it before I’m too late but it’s never enough. My heart doesn’t want it, my heart doesn’t want this.

You may watch me break and fall but I will not come return to You.

This dunya was not designed for me. I was not made to cope with this.

Give me the strength to leave this mentality and bring me back to You. Give me hope in my life.

Ya Allah. Save me from leaving You. 

Centre of my life..

Creating this blog was a way of running away from what’s really going. I believe that if I tell myself I’m happy and I’m moving on.. maybe eventually I will..

I feel like I’m lying to myself and not allowing myself to fully come to terms with my situation. To accept what’s going on.. accept that it’s fine not to be happy. It’s perfectly normal.

But I do understand the situation. I understand that it’s not about a man not loving his wife.. or a woman disrespecting her husband. It’s about two people who just couldn’t make it work. 

I really do believe that I placed way too much importance on my marriage. So much importance that I may have forgotten the real reason I wanted to get married.. to further my faith.

But I’ve learnt a lot.. I’ve learnt that I really do need to love myself. Be independent and be happy in myself and not place it in anyone else. Suffering from anxiety whilst being married, I now no longer worry. I don’t worry.. because I don’t care..

What is meant for me, will not miss me. And I know my Lord has something planned that I cannot even begin to imagine inshAllah! 

My baby was a phase of my life that I really miss but I’m glad it’s over.. I hope he is as content with his decision as I am with mine.

May Allah make it easy for the both of us. 

The end is near..

Imagine standing on a glass floor.

Underneath the glass floor is a drop of a thousand miles.. And you can’t see where it ends.

You avoid the floor. You’re always cautious when you walk over it and you live in constant fear that one day it’s going to break and you will fall.. You will fall and you don’t know how the fall will end.

One day the glass starts to crack and you realise the end is near. The glass floor won’t last.. Your fall is inevitable. You have to let go.

But you refuse. You grab hold of the walls, hurting yourself in the process. You’re screaming, you become weak. But you don’t won’t to let go.

The walls begin to crumble and your fingers can’t hold on any longer. You realise, the inevitable is here.

It’s over.. 

You let go.

You let yourself.

This thousand mile drop.

Hurting yourself along the way. It’s painful, it’s killing you.

But you’re facing it. You’re not living in fear anymore. You’re taking the pain as it comes. You know eventually the pain will finish.

And then the drop ends.. And you realise.. It’s not a painful end. It doesn’t end in death.. You’re in a room.. The floor is made out of cushions. You’ve landed softly.

The pain is still in you. You are still hurting from the fall.

But you no longer live in fear that the glass will break.

Face life’s difficulties.

With every difficulty comes ease inshAllah!

❤️

Gone

“Today is the day that I live in hope to meet you again. So I celebrate in happiness. But I also wish to apologise.

I wish to apologise for putting my dreams before your happiness. Sorry for every time I have ever broken your heart and never tried to make it up to you.

But most of all I’m sorry for those moments that I forgot to tell you how much I love you and how amazing I think you are.

The honest reason why I never said this to you? Because I thought I always had tomorrow to show you I appreciate you.. But I was wrong. After you went, the time I took for granted went as well.

That’s why I always say. Time means now. If you want to love, love now. If you want to hold her hand, do it now. If you want to apologise, then ask for forgiveness now. If you want to forgive, forgive now.

Or like me youl be sitting there, writing on your blog, asking for forgiveness from someone who’s already gone. And they’ll never have a chance to know the things that you never said.”

– quoted by Unknown. ❤️