Half my Deen.

“I want to complete half my Deen.”

Half your Deen isn’t a signature on a piece of a paper.

It’s love. Respect. Sacrifice. Compassion. Motivation. Happiness. Growth. Charity. Support. Protection. Priorities. Challenges. Patience. Encouragement. Responsibilities. 

It’s a relationship created for the sake of our happiness and yet we fail to accept the beauty of how this amazing conjoinment can change our lives.

SubhanAllah open your eyes to this beautiful institution ❤

Centre of my life..

Creating this blog was a way of running away from what’s really going. I believe that if I tell myself I’m happy and I’m moving on.. maybe eventually I will..

I feel like I’m lying to myself and not allowing myself to fully come to terms with my situation. To accept what’s going on.. accept that it’s fine not to be happy. It’s perfectly normal.

But I do understand the situation. I understand that it’s not about a man not loving his wife.. or a woman disrespecting her husband. It’s about two people who just couldn’t make it work. 

I really do believe that I placed way too much importance on my marriage. So much importance that I may have forgotten the real reason I wanted to get married.. to further my faith.

But I’ve learnt a lot.. I’ve learnt that I really do need to love myself. Be independent and be happy in myself and not place it in anyone else. Suffering from anxiety whilst being married, I now no longer worry. I don’t worry.. because I don’t care..

What is meant for me, will not miss me. And I know my Lord has something planned that I cannot even begin to imagine inshAllah! 

My baby was a phase of my life that I really miss but I’m glad it’s over.. I hope he is as content with his decision as I am with mine.

May Allah make it easy for the both of us. 

I love me…?

I never really thought I struggled with self-love. I just thought it was natural. Loving yourself is a necessary part of living. How can you live with someone you hate?

Until I spoke to someone who I believe changed me in a way, that I really needed to change. I knew him for about two weeks when I realised he was reading me better than I’d ever known myself. 

I was telling this particular individual a story. It was nothing interesting. Something that happened in my teen years. A long time ago.. and as I finished the story, I ended it with “you probably don’t care so sorry for wasting your time haha..” and tried to laugh it off.

I genuinely saw pity in this persons eyes. I don’t know what would’ve been more pathetic. The fact that he couldn’t care less about my story.. or the fact that he realised how low I think of myself.

He told me that I shouldn’t place my worth in the way people react to me. Just because someone’s not giving me attention doesn’t mean I’m not important to them.. don’t try and laugh as a cover because of your insecurities. Be confident and believe in yourself. Tell yourself your story is funny, it’s worth telling people. The person listening does care and I am IMPORTANT.

And I realised it was all because of you. Everytime I’ve messaged you or emailed you, I’ve known you won’t respond because I’m not important enough. And I’ve placed my self worth in that. I’m not important to you, you don’t care about me and therefore I don’t deserve to live. Everytime I’ve poured my heart out to you, begged you to love me, you’ve always made me feel like I’m not good enough. 

And I am good enough.. in fact, I’m better than this. I deserve so much more than what you have to offer.. 

You say you’re moving on because you need a lady in your life.. what was I? An inconvenience? A mistake? A burden? Just not good enough?

I just want to forget you and me ever existed. You’ve made me detest my own existence, my whole life. You’ve made me regret every decision I’ve ever made. You’ve made me bitter.

You’ve made me lose my belief in love. 

White flag..



You’ve won. You are the better person. I don’t want to fight this war. I was always wrong, you are always right.

I just want you to stop making me question myself. Stop coming back giving me hope.. stop turning away acting like I’m doing something wrong.

I just want to live my life. I just want to move past this stage of my life.

Be it with you or be it without you. It’s becoming mental torture and making me question everything.

For once I felt like my life was coming back together.. please stop tearing it apart.

I beg for your mercy, Haris. I beg for warmth in your heart, and I beg you to let go of my past.

I am sorry. Please let me live.. please stop lighting my life with hope if you have no intention of loving me.

I beg for your mercy. Please.

I am a freak show.

I am a divorced Muslim girl. I have a label, I am stereotyped, deemed as weak, trash, unwanted. The lower class. The failure. I am a freak show.

I am so open hearted to new people who don’t know my story. Who see my personality, who see my face, who accept me in my present. Who don’t judge me by my past, who don’t label me by my mistakes.

It’s the ones who are supposed to care about me I fear seeing.

I dread having family friends visit. I see them hold back conversations, I see them stare. Some out of pity, some in disgust. Some say a kind word in a low voice, others don’t acknowledge me. I don’t know what’s worse..

As days go by the reality of what’s happened and what is to come, is going to ruin me. I was unwanted for my mistakes which has given me a label. My society will not accept me, my family will not see me past the divorcee label. I don’t have a home where I can be me..

I have so much to prove.. I have so much to put out there before people will forget I’m divorced.

It’s just a label.. it doesn’t define me.. 

Goodbye to the past..

Dear Love,
As the New Year approaches, I accept that il never meet you again. Il never hold you, il never share a joke with you and we’ll never be together in love again. 

I won’t lay with you or hear you snore, I won’t run to you when you walk through the door.

I won’t tease your breathing, I won’t watch you while you change.

I wont miss your smile and I won’t think of your eyes.

I won’t hold your hand while you drive, I won’t let you stroke my belly.

I won’t tell my baby he’s pretty, I won’t kiss his cheeks.

I won’t rejoice with your wins, I won’t weep for your loss.

I won’t humble your arrogance, I won’t strengthen your weakness.

I won’t encourage your positives, I won’t dismiss your negatives.
But know that I loved you. And I loved you wholly. But to tell you I loved you directly is accepting that I have lost the battle. I never wanted to lose you, not in a million years. 

I loved every part of you. But I cannot mourn that which does not belong to me. And you are not mine to mourn.
Our chapter is over, but you have made the past year a very important time of my life. And il never forget you.. no matter what happens or how our days will end, I won’t forget you. I won’t forget our memories, the good the bad, the arguments, the joys, the sadness.. I won’t forget any of it.
I won’t let myself break in your absence.. I won’t let myself run because I was denied a love I couldn’t live without.
Il never tell you I love you again. I’m never going to hear you say you love me.. I will never speak of you again.
Happy New Year – may new beginnings come to light ❤️

Perfectly imperfect..

There’s no shame in feeling beautiful in yourself without being vain.

There’s no shame in leaving the house with a naked face and feeling happy.

Theres no shame in holding the one you love a little bit too long.

There’s no shame in begging for forgiveness to the people you have wronged.

There’s no shame in lying alone in your room with mascara running down your face when things get too much.

There’s no shame in screaming at the top of your lungs when the pain inside you is physically too much.

There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t cope alone, that you can’t physically bear the pain. There’s no shame in asking for help.

There’s no shame in being weak. There’s no shame in being broken.


December 2016 Buys!

Yes I hit the sales but like a true beauty addict, I just ended up buying all full price items. This post is dedicated to purely beauty items with honest reviews!

Mac Velvet Teddy Matte Lipstick – £15.50

I’ve wanted this for a while but I always get really cautious with lipstick colours.. nothing seems to suit me! But as my first Mac lipstick purchase, it has to be my favourite in terms of texture and quality. The colour isn’t very wintery and seems to make my face look grey, but will save it for the Summer!

Mac Paint Pot Soft Ochre – £16

I heard about this a while ago as being a good primer/concealer for people with dark eyes. I tried it initially but it really greyed out my eyes as my eyes are super pigmented. So will try colour correcting before I put this on, but still it did the job of leaving an even coat of colour on my eyes so I’m super excited about this one.

Bare Minerals Setting Powder – £21

I had my obsession with super glowy and dewey foundation but I thought now is the time to come back to earth and go back to matte again. It just seems to be less hassle. So instead of forking out another £30 quid or so on another high end foundation, I thought I’d fork out money for a product to make my foundation go matte and I found this product. Now I did ask the lady in Boots for advice and her suggestion was to go for a light colour as it didn’t leave an ashy look when you applied it.. I beg to differ. Ive got olive skin and I don’t think the light to medium shade did me any favours at all. However the powder itself is great and has a really lovely finish. 

The Body Shop – Bouncy Sleeping Mask (£12?)

My. Favourite. Purchase. Ever.

The Body Shop staff have to be the most helpful people I’ve ever come across in a beauty store. I walked in and said I have really dull and boring skin and she immediately recommended this to me. I thought oh god.. she’s just trying to sell the new range. But she gave me a good healthy sample and told me to try it for a few days and I’d see the difference myself. And sure enough I did.

My skin definitely feels amazing since trying this. I have really itchy and dry skin but after sleeping in this – my skin feels like a baby bottom – definitely recommend this!

YSL Black Opium – £30

My first sale purchase woo! I’m a big fan of Jimmy Choo perfumes but really wanted to try something new this time around – this one definitely matches the quality of Jimmy Choo! It smells AMAZING! 😍

I also had a few other purchases but I’d rather swatch those rather than just review them.. hope you enjoyed the read 🙂



Eyeliner? So many choices!

Eyeliners can come in practically any form from pencils to crayons felt tips to paint – possibilities are endless!

I’ve picked out my three go tos that I use for different purposes. I really feel like I’ve adapted it so it’s easy for myself but I really do get the look I want out of it.

Not yet confident enough with my face to post a final look but one day 🙈

Bourjois Kohl & Contour Pencil Eyeliner (pencil eyeliner)

I’ve gone through a lot of pencil eyeliners and they always used to end up halfway down my face, smudging everywhere and just looking very amateurish, giving an overall panda look. This pencil eyeliner I think is perfect especially for those who are new to doing eyeliners. It comes with a nifty pencil sharpener so you don’t have to run around looking for one when you go blunt 😅 it really doesn’t smudge either.. the colour is so dark that back in the days when I used to use it for upper liner people used to confuse it for liquid. Super easy to use!

I personally use it at the moment just to line my lower lash line and sometimes if I’m in the mood the inner upper lash line – just to get a more defined look.

L’Oréal Super Liner (liquid liner)

I used to use the gold version of this liquid liner but I just prefer the Super Black because of the colour. The great thing about this eyeliner is it is SO easy to create a wing and good to practise with as well. Once you apply it, it dries pretty quick. So if you make a mistake you don’t need to worry about smudging it when wiping it, it will literally just peel off. It doesn’t peel off too easily so it will last the whole day too.

I only ever use this on special occasions for meet ups, gatherings etc when I’m in the mood for a bit of a flick. (Exciting life!)

Maybelline Lasting Drama Gel Eyeliner (gel eyeliner)

I can’t get my head around these gel eyeliners. I’ve seen some people make a really nice flick free hand and I’ve just sat there and watched them in awe. But out of all of them this has to be the best high street brand I’ve come across personally.

I use this to go over what I’ve already done with a liquid eyeliner just to get a stronger colour. Don’t personally use this a lot as I’m not quite the eyeliner pro yet!

Comment your favourites below 🙂 id love to try some suggestions!



Dry/itchy/spotty skin?

I’m not going to claim to be an expert cos I am FAR from it.. there’s such a variety of products and techniques for different types of skin, it’s incredibly hard to find something to suit everyone.

Im going to give a few pointers on what helped me relieve that horrible itchy feeling!

Drink lots of water!

I used to be allergic to water (psychologically) but it honestly makes all the difference. It’s known to clear out the toxins and bacteria, and also providing a natural moisturising agent.

Avoid using fragranced make up wipes

..or if you can avoid using any type of wipes.. I personally feel like wipes just move the dirt around on your face. I used make up wipes for eye make up just because I hate using any type of liquidy make up due to having extremely sensitive eyes

Natural Products

This ones by far my favourite to do! Not only are you not using toxicated products with the fear of breaking out in spots, the feeling afterwards is incredible. The particular routine I used was as follows.

  1. Make sure you have a clean dry face to start with.
  2. Mixing sugar with a little water, exfoliate all over your face and rinse clean.
  3. Dipping a face cloth into steaming water (don’t burn yourselves) place the cloth over your face for a few minutes or so.
  4. Rinse your face
  5. Prepare a mask – (hot chocolate, coffee granules, honey – don’t know exact quantities) – leave on for 15 minutes
  6. As sticky and messy as it sounds – the results are impeccable!

Baby Products

This ones a bit of a weird one and I’m surprised no ones ever recommend it to me before. I tried Clinique, Clarin, L’Oréal moisturisers and then accidentally came across some baby rash cream in an emergency. It wasn’t fragranced, it didn’t irritate my skin and managed to do the job pretty well.

The one I used was Sudocream but E45 and Aveeno are great too.

Not an expert again.. but tips that have worked for me! 🙈