Speak no lies.

“If I told you I had feelings for you, what would you do?”

I scratch the table nervously. Tell you I had feelings for you too?

“Id laugh in your face.”

Your face drops, you pull your sleeves over your hands.. you laugh nervously. You look at your hands. I look at the table.

“Okay.”

Okay? Okay what? Do you have feelings or not?

I look at your face. You look at the fields. I take a big sigh. Your attention turns towards me.

I burst.

“It’s clear you’re playing games. It’s obvious you don’t have feelings.”

Your eyebrows raise. You don’t say a word.

“You’re fake. Nothing but a liar. Looking for a way to make me attached to you.”

Your jaw tightens. Your body tenses.

“You’re not even gonna deny it? I knew it.”

“No im not going to deny it.”

“I guess that’s it then – let’s go home.”

Fight for me. Ask me to stay. Tell me I’m being stupid.

“I’m done here – let’s go.”

You walk away. You lean against your car and start playing with your phone. You don’t look up.

I walk towards mine. You don’t say a word.

“You’re an absolute asshole.”

You acknowledge my words. You unlock the door. And drive away.

I stand there speechless. It’s getting dark. The air is getting cold. I unlock my car and sit alone.

Five minutes pass – I call you.

“What do you want?”

Your voice is cold.

“Let’s not leave it like this.”

I speak softly. My words calm.

“I can’t stand your insults.”

“Come back – let’s talk.”

“Okay.”

I wait for the murmur of your car and see the raindrops fall softly on my windows.

I shake nervously.

Could this be it.

Your car pulls up. You open the door. And you wait for me to come to you.

I take a deep breath.

“Tell me what you want from me?”

Your anger is burning. I see fury in your eyes. I see your body tense.

“How much do you think a man can take? I’ve had enough. Enough of the pain, enough of the hurt, enough of being told I’m fake. I don’t want this. I don’t want you. I’ve had enough of giving too much of a shit about you. I’m done. I hate you. I don’t give a shit about you. I never want to see you again.”

My knees go weak. My body starts to shake.

“Say something!”

My voice breaks.

“Okay.”

The words come out, but they’re lost in translation. The tears follow, my legs buckle. I lean against my car and put my head in my hands.

I feel your arms around me and you pull me close.

You bury your head in my shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

You’re mumbling.. I let you speak.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I’m so hurt right now, I can’t even tell you. My heart physically aches when you do this to me. How pathetic is that? My heart is aching and all I wanna do is scream at you. I’m sorry for the things I said.. I’m angry. I still am. You just don’t get it.”

I hold you tight. Not wanting to let go. Wanting to stay safe here..

your body relaxes… I feel myself relax too. I start laughing.. you start laughing too.

“This is pathetic.” I whisper through tears.

“I know – we really are.”

I pull away. Aware of my make up running and your white t shirt.

You pull me towards you.

“Stay.”

“I don’t want to get make up on your shirt.”

“I don’t care. Just as long as it’s not snot.”

I laugh and you laugh too.

We stay a little longer.

“You’re nothing but poison for me.”

My heart hurts by your words but you’re right.. you will do nothing but hurt me..

I hold your head in my hands and look direct in your face.

“I have feelings for you too.”

You close your eyes. Lean yourself into my hands.

“We can’t do this.”

“I know.”

You pull away from me and hold my hands while looking me direct in the eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.”

With nothing more than a sigh and a squeeze of the hands, you walked to the car and sat there with your head in your hands.

I walked to mine and we sat in silence.

We knew we would never see each other again.

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Baby steps.. 

There’s something brilliant about this.

Something fabulous about finding happiness in someone you never quite expected to.

There’s something heart warming about someone wanting to turn to you in times of their sadness and their joys.

There’s something heart warming in someone begging you to see them because they know you can make them smile.

There’s something so content in me that feels happy that I’ve found a friend in you.

There’s something so peaceful in knowing that we’ve both been through the exact same thing and want nothing more then just a shoulder to cry on for now.

There’s nothing more amazing then finding a friend in a stranger. There’s nothing more exhilarating than watching your loneliness disappear slowly to dust ❤️

Pain..

I just wish there was a way that I could write everything down and with each word the pain would slowly leave me too..

But it doesn’t… every word digs deeper.

I’ve got so much in me right now, I don’t think no amount of talking, writing, screaming or crying is going to help.

I just want to be done for a while. I want a break from this feeling just for a little while. 

For months I’ve been waiting for closure.. just something, anything to make it easier to move on.

And all this time I realised it’s not you I need closure from. It’s myself.

My heart hurts because I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m a bad person. I’m panicking because I don’t think anyone will ever love me. I feel nervous around people because I know they will leave me one day.

I’m scared to fall again, because I don’t think il be able to pull myself back up.

I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to love myself when it just hurts. I don’t know how to keep anyone in my life anymore.

Home..

A house has four walls.

A home has connected hearts.

Home is where the heart is, and here I found my home with you.

I found my home in your warmth and in your care. Your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I found my home in your sympathy, your humility, your selflessness.

I found my home in your frustration, your pain, your anger.

I found my home in your smile, your frown, your tears,

I’ve lived a lonely life, with a hole in my heart until I met you. 

I found my home in you. 

I feel no pain, it disguises itself well.

My demons await me, their weapons are poised.

Ready to draw blood, with no limits to the damage they want to cause.

The fear of others abuse, is nothing compared to how I abuse myself.

The games I play, telling myself I’m good enough. Mocking myself to the fullest.

I am nothing but a pawn in this game of evil. Nothing but a pawn that deserves the damage coming it’s way. 

The words I cannot say.

I know You know what I’m thinking but I can not turn to You.

I can not face You and I can not beg for mercy for the mistakes I’ve made.

I am not worthy of the gift You gave me and I threw it back in Your face. I am not a worthy believer.

I did not deserve all that You gave me and I do not know how to face You again.

I’m scared of the tests You will bestow with me next. I don’t believe I’m capable of putting up with anymore.

I now know the answer to “why me?” I do not blame anybody but myself.

I want to face it before I’m too late but it’s never enough. My heart doesn’t want it, my heart doesn’t want this.

You may watch me break and fall but I will not come return to You.

This dunya was not designed for me. I was not made to cope with this.

Give me the strength to leave this mentality and bring me back to You. Give me hope in my life.

Ya Allah. Save me from leaving You. 

Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

Perfectly imperfect..

There’s no shame in feeling beautiful in yourself without being vain.

There’s no shame in leaving the house with a naked face and feeling happy.

Theres no shame in holding the one you love a little bit too long.

There’s no shame in begging for forgiveness to the people you have wronged.

There’s no shame in lying alone in your room with mascara running down your face when things get too much.

There’s no shame in screaming at the top of your lungs when the pain inside you is physically too much.

There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t cope alone, that you can’t physically bear the pain. There’s no shame in asking for help.

There’s no shame in being weak. There’s no shame in being broken.

❤️

But the way he made me feel is something that is stuck inside me like the blood running through my veins.

The comfort I felt when he held me was like I was home. There was no emptiness inside me, no anxiety of the future, no overthinking in the past. It was him in that moment, the moment I was home.

The kindness of him kissing my forehead. To tell me he needed nothing in return, nothing but a simple sign of affection. Which was enough. It was enough to keep me hooked and engulfed in his smell. The smell of his neck. The fresh smell of his skin.

It was the warmth of his hands enveloping my fingers. Taking in every part of my hand. Blanketing my skin with the feel of his, stroking the base of my wrist with his thumb.

It was his head resting on my chest. Feeling like he belonged to me. The false sense of security, of love. Thinking he was mine.

That’s what runs through my veins like blood. Everyday like a cycle. My heart pumps out for more.. And it can’t let go of the way he made me feel.