Pain..

I just wish there was a way that I could write everything down and with each word the pain would slowly leave me too..

But it doesn’t… every word digs deeper.

I’ve got so much in me right now, I don’t think no amount of talking, writing, screaming or crying is going to help.

I just want to be done for a while. I want a break from this feeling just for a little while. 

All I want to do tonight is curl up into a tiny little ball and scream. Scream, cry and shout because I want the pain to go away.

I want to blame someone, something, a situation, an occurrence, something – anything. 

But there’s nothing. I literally just feel pain because of nothing.

There’s just something inside of me that’s eating me alive and begging for freedom and I can’t let it go. I don’t how to free myself from this nightmare and just feel happy again.

I want to be great. I want to be myself. I want love to stop hurting. I want to stop putting myself in situations where I know I can’t cope.

I want to kiss you again. Hug you again. Spend the night with you again. Laugh, cuddle and just lay with you just once.

Just one last time. I need you just for one last night.

This shit is killing me. 

I don’t know why I keep telling myself it’s okay to fall for someone new. And this time I really have.. and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to trust him, how to let him in, be loyal and caring towards him.

I’ve damaged my own mind and I’m damaging the people around me.

I need help. I need help please.

I’m so confused… 

For months I’ve been waiting for closure.. just something, anything to make it easier to move on.

And all this time I realised it’s not you I need closure from. It’s myself.

My heart hurts because I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m a bad person. I’m panicking because I don’t think anyone will ever love me. I feel nervous around people because I know they will leave me one day.

I’m scared to fall again, because I don’t think il be able to pull myself back up.

I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to love myself when it just hurts. I don’t know how to keep anyone in my life anymore.

Home..

A house has four walls.

A home has connected hearts.

Home is where the heart is, and here I found my home with you.

I found my home in your warmth and in your care. Your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I found my home in your sympathy, your humility, your selflessness.

I found my home in your frustration, your pain, your anger.

I found my home in your smile, your frown, your tears,

I’ve lived a lonely life, with a hole in my heart until I met you. 

I found my home in you. 

I feel like I’m consistently having to explain myself to you.

When you tell me that you know full well I was pushed to leave that day – I thought wow. He finally understands..

He finally understands HE pushed me to leave. He finally understands that you can’t tell a woman you don’t love her continuously, that you don’t wanna be with her, that you want her gone and expect her to sit tight and wait for you to calm down.

I left you because you didn’t want me. If you find it easier to blame me, or blame other people then that’s fine. But it’s not the truth. Don’t trust what other people tell you – when I’m here telling you exactly how I feel. 

I am not angry, I am not bitter, I blame no one.

I’m hurt, tired, and I admit defeat.

I don’t want no negativity, no hate, no blame.

I really thought I could bring the life out of you, not in general but for myself. See the personality I once fell for. Just to be satisfied that this situation didn’t break you, it didn’t change you.

You chose to move on first.. you chose to let me go first.

You should be happy. 

But now… you just bring me down. About how bad things ended, about how it could’ve been better.

And you’re doing it to yourself…

It didn’t have to be like this… you’re gonna cause so much bitterness and negativity around you.

But in regards to contacting you – that was a super bad mistake. I should never have done it.

You haven’t changed…

I feel no pain, it disguises itself well.

My demons await me, their weapons are poised.

Ready to draw blood, with no limits to the damage they want to cause.

The fear of others abuse, is nothing compared to how I abuse myself.

The games I play, telling myself I’m good enough. Mocking myself to the fullest.

I am nothing but a pawn in this game of evil. Nothing but a pawn that deserves the damage coming it’s way. 

The words I cannot say.

I know You know what I’m thinking but I can not turn to You.

I can not face You and I can not beg for mercy for the mistakes I’ve made.

I am not worthy of the gift You gave me and I threw it back in Your face. I am not a worthy believer.

I did not deserve all that You gave me and I do not know how to face You again.

I’m scared of the tests You will bestow with me next. I don’t believe I’m capable of putting up with anymore.

I now know the answer to “why me?” I do not blame anybody but myself.

I want to face it before I’m too late but it’s never enough. My heart doesn’t want it, my heart doesn’t want this.

You may watch me break and fall but I will not come return to You.

This dunya was not designed for me. I was not made to cope with this.

Give me the strength to leave this mentality and bring me back to You. Give me hope in my life.

Ya Allah. Save me from leaving You. 

Lost in translation..

We came close.. yet our distances never reduced. Our story remained incomplete…

It’s not necessary for the earth to always meet the sky.. True love does not always reach its destination.

There was light and colours – when you were close to me.

This world was my heaven.

And you wrote something like my name in the sand of time.

If there are only heavens here – why can’t I see you? 

The moon, the sun.. I see everything here. I have been waiting here for you to appear.. why is our story still so incomplete?

Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

Perfectly imperfect..

There’s no shame in feeling beautiful in yourself without being vain.

There’s no shame in leaving the house with a naked face and feeling happy.

Theres no shame in holding the one you love a little bit too long.

There’s no shame in begging for forgiveness to the people you have wronged.

There’s no shame in lying alone in your room with mascara running down your face when things get too much.

There’s no shame in screaming at the top of your lungs when the pain inside you is physically too much.

There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t cope alone, that you can’t physically bear the pain. There’s no shame in asking for help.

There’s no shame in being weak. There’s no shame in being broken.

❤️