I love me…?

I never really thought I struggled with self-love. I just thought it was natural. Loving yourself is a necessary part of living. How can you live with someone you hate?

Until I spoke to someone who I believe changed me in a way, that I really needed to change. I knew him for about two weeks when I realised he was reading me better than I’d ever known myself. 

I was telling this particular individual a story. It was nothing interesting. Something that happened in my teen years. A long time ago.. and as I finished the story, I ended it with “you probably don’t care so sorry for wasting your time haha..” and tried to laugh it off.

I genuinely saw pity in this persons eyes. I don’t know what would’ve been more pathetic. The fact that he couldn’t care less about my story.. or the fact that he realised how low I think of myself.

He told me that I shouldn’t place my worth in the way people react to me. Just because someone’s not giving me attention doesn’t mean I’m not important to them.. don’t try and laugh as a cover because of your insecurities. Be confident and believe in yourself. Tell yourself your story is funny, it’s worth telling people. The person listening does care and I am IMPORTANT.

And I realised it was all because of you. Everytime I’ve messaged you or emailed you, I’ve known you won’t respond because I’m not important enough. And I’ve placed my self worth in that. I’m not important to you, you don’t care about me and therefore I don’t deserve to live. Everytime I’ve poured my heart out to you, begged you to love me, you’ve always made me feel like I’m not good enough. 

And I am good enough.. in fact, I’m better than this. I deserve so much more than what you have to offer.. 

You say you’re moving on because you need a lady in your life.. what was I? An inconvenience? A mistake? A burden? Just not good enough?

I just want to forget you and me ever existed. You’ve made me detest my own existence, my whole life. You’ve made me regret every decision I’ve ever made. You’ve made me bitter.

You’ve made me lose my belief in love.