Part 7…

“I’m sorry.”

I read the text again.

The words remain.

“I’m sorry.”

Was this some sick joke?

I ignore it. Lock my phone screen.

My homepage lights up again.

“I have to see you.”

I laugh to myself. This was becoming a joke.

What am I supposed to say?

I put my phone on silent. And hide it under my pillow.

I close my eyes.

Please let me fall asleep.

My mind wanders.

I have to know what he wants.

I check my phone. There’s an array of messages.

“I know you’re ignoring me.”

“I was upset.”

“Just see me for ten minutes.”

I reply. I want to see him too.

“Leave me alone.”

That’s how my mind works. 

“Ten minutes is all I need.”

This was gonna work two ways.

1 – he’s playing a game.

2 – he won’t turn up.

Well.. I guess it’s worth a try?

“Ok – ten minutes.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

I laugh to myself. I know in my heart he won’t turn up.

But that’s okay. I was going to sleep anyway.

But five minutes later, my phone vibrates.

“I’m outside your back garden.”

My heart stops.

He can’t be.

I run to the window and look. But the street lights are off.. it’s hard to see.

I ignore the text.

He has to be lying.

“Are you coming?”

“You’re lying. And I’m going to sleep.”

My hearts racing.

I know he would never come to my door. 

But why would he lie?

“Alright cool.”

It doesn’t make any sense.

And suddenly.. I hear footsteps coming up the front path.

My security light switches on.

I don’t want to look out the window.

I refuse to.

I hear a rustle and my phone vibrates again.

The footsteps become quieter. As if.. they’re walking away.

“I’ve left you something outside. Take care.”

Anxiety overtakes me.

He was outside my door.

He came to my house to see me.

And I didn’t even acknowledge him.

I check my window. The street lights are still off.

It’s still dark.

I leave my room and creep down the stairs quietly. Cautious not to wake anyone up.

How would I explain this?

I open my front door. The cold air hits me. I begin to shiver. The darkness is terrifying. 

But sure enough.

There on the ledge of the window.

Was a small plastic bag.

I reach inside..

And pull out a small cupcake laced with pink icing and the words “I’m sorry” iced in white.

I smile.

Close the door.

And run up to my room with a warmth in my heart.

What was he doing to me?

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Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.

The end is near..

Imagine standing on a glass floor.

Underneath the glass floor is a drop of a thousand miles.. And you can’t see where it ends.

You avoid the floor. You’re always cautious when you walk over it and you live in constant fear that one day it’s going to break and you will fall.. You will fall and you don’t know how the fall will end.

One day the glass starts to crack and you realise the end is near. The glass floor won’t last.. Your fall is inevitable. You have to let go.

But you refuse. You grab hold of the walls, hurting yourself in the process. You’re screaming, you become weak. But you don’t won’t to let go.

The walls begin to crumble and your fingers can’t hold on any longer. You realise, the inevitable is here.

It’s over.. 

You let go.

You let yourself.

This thousand mile drop.

Hurting yourself along the way. It’s painful, it’s killing you.

But you’re facing it. You’re not living in fear anymore. You’re taking the pain as it comes. You know eventually the pain will finish.

And then the drop ends.. And you realise.. It’s not a painful end. It doesn’t end in death.. You’re in a room.. The floor is made out of cushions. You’ve landed softly.

The pain is still in you. You are still hurting from the fall.

But you no longer live in fear that the glass will break.

Face life’s difficulties.

With every difficulty comes ease inshAllah!

❤️

Gone

“Today is the day that I live in hope to meet you again. So I celebrate in happiness. But I also wish to apologise.

I wish to apologise for putting my dreams before your happiness. Sorry for every time I have ever broken your heart and never tried to make it up to you.

But most of all I’m sorry for those moments that I forgot to tell you how much I love you and how amazing I think you are.

The honest reason why I never said this to you? Because I thought I always had tomorrow to show you I appreciate you.. But I was wrong. After you went, the time I took for granted went as well.

That’s why I always say. Time means now. If you want to love, love now. If you want to hold her hand, do it now. If you want to apologise, then ask for forgiveness now. If you want to forgive, forgive now.

Or like me youl be sitting there, writing on your blog, asking for forgiveness from someone who’s already gone. And they’ll never have a chance to know the things that you never said.”

– quoted by Unknown. ❤️