3 days down..

.. and the battle begins..

Where my heart is telling me to move on, my mind is reminding me of all the mistakes I’ve made in the past.

The final night.. the night where I want to change everything. From the beginning to the end.. it didn’t even start with that night.. it was that whole weekend.. how much do you remember?

Thursday night.. you told me it was over. And that you were waiting for me to leave cos you wanted nothing to do with me.. I told you I was sorry, I begged you to forgive me.. you said it was finished. You didn’t come to bed that night.. 

I sat by your side while you lay on the sofa. And I begged you to come back to bed.. I told you I wouldn’t touch you, I wouldn’t come near you and I wouldn’t say a word to you. I accepted it was over, but I begged you to come back to bed.. and you did.

And that night I watched you sleep. You always slept so well even after the worst of arguments, and I didn’t know what to do.. I didn’t know how to make things better for us.

So I took my pillow and I eventually fell asleep on the sofa..

I woke up a few hours later because I couldn’t breathe. Every time I tried to breathe my chest would tighten and I had sharp pains in my chest.. I won’t forget it because I actually felt my heart paining so bad at this point. I sat up.. tried to relax and counted my pulse. It was fast and I started to panic and at this point, I thought I was gonna pass out.

I managed to crawl to the bathroom so I could wash my face and that’s when I started to be sick. I couldn’t control it.. I tried screaming your name and it wouldn’t happen, I was panicking cos I really thought I was gonna pass out or something bad was gonna happen. I started to phone you, because I didn’t want to be on my own..

Eventually you came and I hated myself for waking you up. And that made me feel worse. It started to pain me inside because I didn’t want to inconvenience you and in that moment I just didn’t want you there, I didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling and I just wanted everything to be normal.. but it was too late. You were there.. and you made things worse.

You told me to hurry up and get ready to go hospital and at this point I couldn’t stop crying. Because I couldn’t hurry up. I had no idea what was going on.. in my head I’m panicking because something’s happening to me that I had no control over and on the other side I was inconveniencing someone who didn’t even want me with something he didn’t need in his life.

The whole journey I wanted you to drop me and turn around and go home. I didn’t want you there, you were making me so uncomfortable.. you eventually went out for a coffee and at this point I felt my head go faint..

I remember having the worst moment of my life in the hospital toilets.. I couldn’t stop being sick, I couldn’t stop the pain and at the same time, I had my head on the toilet seat because I couldn’t control myself. And you weren’t there.. and in that moment I felt so lonely and I just wanted to go home..

Eventually you came back, we saw the doctor and everything was fine.

We went home and you held me to sleep. And for the few hours we had.. we both slept..

But the next few days.. you just didn’t want me.. I tell myself the last day I could’ve done things differently.. but I couldn’t.. I really couldn’t..

You woke up and you started working.. I came and asked if you minded to get something from the shop.. you said not now you were busy and you’d go later. I said I’d come with you.. you said no.. you’d go alone later.

When you said you were busy, you got a call from your friend and spoke for however long you spoke for.. and once you finished I came to you again.. I gave you a hug. And you pushed me away and said you were busy..

At this point you got up and said you needed space you were going out to get what I asked for..

This is when I lost it.. this is where we both lost it..

I could’ve been better.. and so could you. But changing that final day means nothing.. everything built up to it.. I wasn’t happy with you and you didn’t want me there..

And for the first time today.. I am mourning my marriage with you. I’ve tried so hard these past few months to just let the feelings dissolve and for one day it would just disappear.. but today I can’t hold back.

It hurts so bad today. I don’t even know why.. like so bad I feel like it just happened five minutes ago. 

I want so much of this situation to be different. I don’t want you to go out of my life.. I miss your face, your stupid jokes, your goofy laugh I miss everything.

I just don’t miss our life together.. I don’t miss our marriage but I really miss you.

And tonight it really hurts. Tonight the pain has really caught up with me..

And I don’t think I can do this.. I tell myself I can move on everyday but my mind and my heart just keep running back to you.

I dont want this bro.. I wish I never met you.. 

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I walk a lonely path

I leave a mark on every heart I pass.

And yet here I am.. alone..

Be they be happy, be they sad. Be they good, be they bad.

I’ve been a shoulder to those who have no one to wipe their tears.

I’ve held people long enough to know they need to be loved.

I’ve laughed with those who have forgotten how to smile.

And I’ve awoken a love in those who have lost their faith in life.

And yet here I am… alone..

How many times can I start again?

Hurt or attached? I couldn’t really say..

Am I consistently running after people because I miss them or is there a sense of desperation and need, the fear of being lonely?

I’ve held back to say a lot on this blog post because I know how stupid it would make me sound – especially if he ever came to read it. And now I just couldn’t care less…

I have a fear of change… of moving on.. like something terrifying is in the future for me. I want to go back to what I’m used to, because at least I know what to expect..

Why am I running away from something so fresh and exciting… why am I letting the distance bother me, when I know I will see him every few months anyway?

I have alot to prove.. not for anybody else. But for myself – I need to prove to myself that I’m not trying to hurt myself or fill an empty hole. I’m trying to move on and do what’s best for me.. and I don’t have to do that by jumping in something serious so quick.. 

Baby steps.. how far will I go before the fall terrifies me?

Pain..

I just wish there was a way that I could write everything down and with each word the pain would slowly leave me too..

But it doesn’t… every word digs deeper.

I’ve got so much in me right now, I don’t think no amount of talking, writing, screaming or crying is going to help.

I just want to be done for a while. I want a break from this feeling just for a little while. 

All I want to do tonight is curl up into a tiny little ball and scream. Scream, cry and shout because I want the pain to go away.

I want to blame someone, something, a situation, an occurrence, something – anything. 

But there’s nothing. I literally just feel pain because of nothing.

There’s just something inside of me that’s eating me alive and begging for freedom and I can’t let it go. I don’t how to free myself from this nightmare and just feel happy again.

I want to be great. I want to be myself. I want love to stop hurting. I want to stop putting myself in situations where I know I can’t cope.

I want to kiss you again. Hug you again. Spend the night with you again. Laugh, cuddle and just lay with you just once.

Just one last time. I need you just for one last night.

This shit is killing me. 

I don’t know why I keep telling myself it’s okay to fall for someone new. And this time I really have.. and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to trust him, how to let him in, be loyal and caring towards him.

I’ve damaged my own mind and I’m damaging the people around me.

I need help. I need help please.

I’m so confused… 

For months I’ve been waiting for closure.. just something, anything to make it easier to move on.

And all this time I realised it’s not you I need closure from. It’s myself.

My heart hurts because I feel like I’m not good enough. I’m a bad person. I’m panicking because I don’t think anyone will ever love me. I feel nervous around people because I know they will leave me one day.

I’m scared to fall again, because I don’t think il be able to pull myself back up.

I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to love myself when it just hurts. I don’t know how to keep anyone in my life anymore.

Home..

A house has four walls.

A home has connected hearts.

Home is where the heart is, and here I found my home with you.

I found my home in your warmth and in your care. Your love, your hopes and your dreams.

I found my home in your sympathy, your humility, your selflessness.

I found my home in your frustration, your pain, your anger.

I found my home in your smile, your frown, your tears,

I’ve lived a lonely life, with a hole in my heart until I met you. 

I found my home in you. 

I feel like I’m consistently having to explain myself to you.

When you tell me that you know full well I was pushed to leave that day – I thought wow. He finally understands..

He finally understands HE pushed me to leave. He finally understands that you can’t tell a woman you don’t love her continuously, that you don’t wanna be with her, that you want her gone and expect her to sit tight and wait for you to calm down.

I left you because you didn’t want me. If you find it easier to blame me, or blame other people then that’s fine. But it’s not the truth. Don’t trust what other people tell you – when I’m here telling you exactly how I feel. 

I am not angry, I am not bitter, I blame no one.

I’m hurt, tired, and I admit defeat.

I don’t want no negativity, no hate, no blame.

I really thought I could bring the life out of you, not in general but for myself. See the personality I once fell for. Just to be satisfied that this situation didn’t break you, it didn’t change you.

You chose to move on first.. you chose to let me go first.

You should be happy. 

But now… you just bring me down. About how bad things ended, about how it could’ve been better.

And you’re doing it to yourself…

It didn’t have to be like this… you’re gonna cause so much bitterness and negativity around you.

But in regards to contacting you – that was a super bad mistake. I should never have done it.

You haven’t changed…

Lost in translation..

We came close.. yet our distances never reduced. Our story remained incomplete…

It’s not necessary for the earth to always meet the sky.. True love does not always reach its destination.

There was light and colours – when you were close to me.

This world was my heaven.

And you wrote something like my name in the sand of time.

If there are only heavens here – why can’t I see you? 

The moon, the sun.. I see everything here. I have been waiting here for you to appear.. why is our story still so incomplete?

Mental Refuge.

Imagine a banana at the bottom of the fruit bowl that’s started to rot and yet you choose not to throw it away. You carry on buying more fruit, you cover the banana and the fruit bowl looks fresh and colourful.

But you know the banana is still rotting below. And everytime you fear that the rotten banana is going to show, you buy more fresh fruit to cover up the horrid sight.

The longer you leave it, the worse it becomes. It starts to blacken, leaves a horrible smell and maybe even ruin the bowl.

What’s a banana got to do with mentality? It’s exactly the same..

You have an experience you can’t cope with.. what’s the easiest thing to do? Block it out. Do something else. Buy a new car, fancy clothes, flash jewellery.. but that doesn’t help resolve your situation.. it just blocks it out.

And one day when you have to go back to that same situation.. when you have to face everything that you’ve been putting off.. it will hurt so much more. You let it rot in your mind for so long, you’ve exhausted yourself mentally, exhausted yourself by putting so much effort into blocking it out and now it’s even worse than before.

And it hurts like hell.

Your mind is begging for refuge.

Your mind is begging to break free from the trap you’ve locked yourself in.