Part 7…

“I’m sorry.”

I read the text again.

The words remain.

“I’m sorry.”

Was this some sick joke?

I ignore it. Lock my phone screen.

My homepage lights up again.

“I have to see you.”

I laugh to myself. This was becoming a joke.

What am I supposed to say?

I put my phone on silent. And hide it under my pillow.

I close my eyes.

Please let me fall asleep.

My mind wanders.

I have to know what he wants.

I check my phone. There’s an array of messages.

“I know you’re ignoring me.”

“I was upset.”

“Just see me for ten minutes.”

I reply. I want to see him too.

“Leave me alone.”

That’s how my mind works. 

“Ten minutes is all I need.”

This was gonna work two ways.

1 – he’s playing a game.

2 – he won’t turn up.

Well.. I guess it’s worth a try?

“Ok – ten minutes.”


“Yes, really.”

I laugh to myself. I know in my heart he won’t turn up.

But that’s okay. I was going to sleep anyway.

But five minutes later, my phone vibrates.

“I’m outside your back garden.”

My heart stops.

He can’t be.

I run to the window and look. But the street lights are off.. it’s hard to see.

I ignore the text.

He has to be lying.

“Are you coming?”

“You’re lying. And I’m going to sleep.”

My hearts racing.

I know he would never come to my door. 

But why would he lie?

“Alright cool.”

It doesn’t make any sense.

And suddenly.. I hear footsteps coming up the front path.

My security light switches on.

I don’t want to look out the window.

I refuse to.

I hear a rustle and my phone vibrates again.

The footsteps become quieter. As if.. they’re walking away.

“I’ve left you something outside. Take care.”

Anxiety overtakes me.

He was outside my door.

He came to my house to see me.

And I didn’t even acknowledge him.

I check my window. The street lights are still off.

It’s still dark.

I leave my room and creep down the stairs quietly. Cautious not to wake anyone up.

How would I explain this?

I open my front door. The cold air hits me. I begin to shiver. The darkness is terrifying. 

But sure enough.

There on the ledge of the window.

Was a small plastic bag.

I reach inside..

And pull out a small cupcake laced with pink icing and the words “I’m sorry” iced in white.

I smile.

Close the door.

And run up to my room with a warmth in my heart.

What was he doing to me?


The words I cannot say.

I know You know what I’m thinking but I can not turn to You.

I can not face You and I can not beg for mercy for the mistakes I’ve made.

I am not worthy of the gift You gave me and I threw it back in Your face. I am not a worthy believer.

I did not deserve all that You gave me and I do not know how to face You again.

I’m scared of the tests You will bestow with me next. I don’t believe I’m capable of putting up with anymore.

I now know the answer to “why me?” I do not blame anybody but myself.

I want to face it before I’m too late but it’s never enough. My heart doesn’t want it, my heart doesn’t want this.

You may watch me break and fall but I will not come return to You.

This dunya was not designed for me. I was not made to cope with this.

Give me the strength to leave this mentality and bring me back to You. Give me hope in my life.

Ya Allah. Save me from leaving You. 

Real love.

How do you know when love is real? How do you know when what you’re feeling isn’t just another fling, it’s not a crush, it’s not an obsession, it’s not lust?

You just know.

For a long time I really believed that love didn’t exist. I’ve seen so many people love and get hurt and spend their nights crying and their days plotting on revenge..

And that’s exactly how I spent my first few months after I left him too..

but something changed.. I don’t know when and I don’t know how.

everyones always said to me that I place my worth in other people. If I don’t find it in one, il look for someone else and place it in them.. I did this too. And it worked. All for about two minutes.

it was probably in late September that it hit me.. six months after I left him. I didn’t love him cos he gave me a sense of loving, I just loved him because of him. And even though he didn’t appreciate me in that moment.. I wasn’t going to place my self worth in someone else’s hands and expect them to love me instead. And live happily ever after.

they tell me he’s moving on, he’s looking for someone else. Alhamdulilah good for him.. I’m glad he’s moving on. They ask me why I’m waiting for him and I tell them honestly that I’m not.

It hurts me that my future with him is over but what can I do.. it doesn’t hurt me that he’s moving on. Just because he’s ready to move on doesn’t mean I am.

Il watch him move on, I’m happy he has a future with someone else. But I don’t want to.. I’m not going to hurt someone else by being either being a bad wife or not being able to love them the way I love him. I know what I’m doing and it’s not a decision I’ve made in vain.. it’s been hard but I know it’s right for me. I truly believe I loved him as wholly as possible because Allah destined him for me. Just because our story was short, doesn’t mean it wasn’t to be. I just believe that I’m not meant for anyone else. And I’m happy to accept that.

thats how I know il never love another man like him and he will always be my first. The only man who I would happily lose just so I could see him smile again.. even if that meant watching him give someone else everything I ever asked for.

Love isn’t destructive and love sure as hell doesn’t hurt. It struggles but it always puts the other person first. And to do that without hurting is so incredibly mind blowing – that you can only call it love.

The end is near..

Imagine standing on a glass floor.

Underneath the glass floor is a drop of a thousand miles.. And you can’t see where it ends.

You avoid the floor. You’re always cautious when you walk over it and you live in constant fear that one day it’s going to break and you will fall.. You will fall and you don’t know how the fall will end.

One day the glass starts to crack and you realise the end is near. The glass floor won’t last.. Your fall is inevitable. You have to let go.

But you refuse. You grab hold of the walls, hurting yourself in the process. You’re screaming, you become weak. But you don’t won’t to let go.

The walls begin to crumble and your fingers can’t hold on any longer. You realise, the inevitable is here.

It’s over.. 

You let go.

You let yourself.

This thousand mile drop.

Hurting yourself along the way. It’s painful, it’s killing you.

But you’re facing it. You’re not living in fear anymore. You’re taking the pain as it comes. You know eventually the pain will finish.

And then the drop ends.. And you realise.. It’s not a painful end. It doesn’t end in death.. You’re in a room.. The floor is made out of cushions. You’ve landed softly.

The pain is still in you. You are still hurting from the fall.

But you no longer live in fear that the glass will break.

Face life’s difficulties.

With every difficulty comes ease inshAllah!


What killed the frog?

Put a frog into a pan and start boiling the water.

As the temperature of the water begins to rise, the frog adjusts it’s body temperature accordingly.

The frog keeps adjusting its body temperature with the increasing temperature of the water. Just when the water has reached boiling point, the frog cannot take anymore and decides to jump out.

The frog tries to jump out but is unable to do so because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature.

Very soon the frog dies.

What killed the frog?

Think about it.. I know many of us will say the boiling water. But the truth about what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when to jump.

We all need to adjust with people and situations. But we need to be sure when it’s necessary to adjust or whether it’s necessary to move on. There are times when we need to face the situation and take appropriate actions.

If we allow people to exploit us physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally they will continue to do so.

Let us decide when to jump. Let’s jump while we still have the strength!